So I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. But actually, I just got back from being away for the weekend. I went away to CT (I forgot my laptop charger so I didn't dare take the time to type an entry and risk having my laptop die on me) on "business" - to figure out the Cow Chip crap. It was nice to be in my apartment which I love, have my own space, sleep in my own bed, and go for drives at 2 am if I felt like it (I did). I get home and I'm upstairs in the guest room (because I like sitting on the futon) instead of my old room charging my laptop. My mom comes upstairs and asks me if I had left late and thats why I got home so late. a;slkdfjasl;dkfj I can't even type out the conversation we had because it is so ridiculous and she asks questions in such a round about way and they aren't even questions they're accusations and I don't even have the patience to explain it. I just remember saying, "mom, why does it matter, why are we even having this conversation?" but she kept talking saying oh but why did you leave at 4, oh i thought what you had to do today you could do in the morning, but why could she only meet with you at 1, oh and now you're not going to eat dinner because you had a late breakfast...just stupid pointless stuff. SEE, and this is why I love having my own apt and not living here. So that was one thing.
Then I text message one of my closest friends to see how her day went and her text message consisted of negativity, crankiness and "leave me alone" vibes. I then had dinner at 8pm and was watching a rerun of Gossip Girl when I decide to text message her anyway and say, "want to go do something therapeutic" and she says something about how she has allergies and she's on the couch but asks what I have in mind. So I say, "Making origami love notes at b&n. to each other" She laughs and says she'll do it. So we meet. We are talking, having fun and I'm stupid enough to mention something about Tim again. And I say again because I told her a couple of days ago that things really came to a head with Tim recently and she goes, "Ugh I'm so lost, this whole thing has always been a roller coaster anyway". I said, "yeah try being on it" and then just didn't go on because of course I know it's been a roller coaster I'm sorry it's been awful for you to keep up with, I don't need the criticism, I just needed her to be a friend and listen or atleast want to know what was going on so she wasn't so "lost". But yeah I was stupid and said something about Tim when we were at b&n and again she says something about how she doesn't even know what I want. And I'm realizing now that all of these comments are stemming from the fact that she feels like I just don't make up my mind and that she thinks I don't know what I want. Then she gets talking about something another friend of ours "did to her" and I don't think it's a big deal so I say this. Big mistake. Whatever, so that kind of killed the mood for the rest of the time we were there. B&N closes at 10 so we had to leave anyway. I shouldn't have invited her out in the first place. The text message she had sent me earlier should have been sign enough of what the night would be like out with her. She clearly wasn't in the mood, should have just left her to herself.
But in conclusion. I am once again supported in the "I'm supposed to live on my own now" mindset. Also, said friend is not the one to talk to about Tim things. On the other hand, I'm the stupid one because Jess has been asking me how I'm doing about it and has been telling me over and over again she's there for me and does want to hear the story when I'm ready to share it...yet there I am spilling little beans to said friend. I don't know why I did that.
Anywho, this weekend was the real test. In my apt, all by myself, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. and I was OK...I didn't have trouble breathing without him...didn't miss him so much I had to call him or talk to him or beg to see him...didn't run back to him. I felt empowered actually. I read books about faith and have been journaling about the whole tim thing and have come to understand it more. I've been planning things for my future, thinking about things I want for myself, things I want to do. I want to go to church regularly. I think I found one I really like... I want to be intentional about my faith. learning God and letting him learn me... I want to be healthy, work out, eat right. I want to be a stronger better person.
I do miss him though. I do. very much.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Hands no longer tied
I was supposed to figure something out as soon as I started break. Well, I figured it out. I'm glad I didn't make a decision right away. I'm glad I waited. I'm glad I allowed myself to take a look at everything and not focus on a specific instance or situation. It's been a long time coming and it is just time for it to end. I'm doing it in the hopes that something better does exist. That something could feel better after 3 years. That someone could fit me better. Not that it still couldn't be him... Who he is right now and who I am right now just isn't working. And i'm thinking blunt and honest - that what we have just isn't good. And I remember how hard this was for me when I tried doing this a year ago, how scared I was of hurting him and how scared I was of the pain of being without him... but I know what I'm missing is who we were when we were good. And that going back would not be going back to that. It's just not working. And thats a fact. And it's not that I'm a quitter ...it became hard to be with him and I don't think it should be that hard. Whatever, I really don't want to get into justifying my decision, it's not what I want to do. I know in my gut this is the right thing to do and all I'm focusing on right now is that I have to stick to it. As horrible as it is, I've gone over reasons for breaking up with him way too many times and for too many years...it's not new to me, doesn't feel new, and i guess i'm used to the pain...or I just know what feelings/emotions to expect. Again, as horrible as that sounds... I haven't cried once today. I've stayed pretty busy with my family. Stayed busy making plans for myself...for my life. Things I want to do.
Hopefully I'll be better at being single than I was before I dated him.
Hopefully I'll be better at being single than I was before I dated him.
Friday, December 19, 2008
It seems I need closure...about PA School
[editor's note: So originally, this was supposed to be an update on how my break is going...but then it got ugly towards the end. I had originally titled this "Vacationing in Massachusetts" then saw that it was something else...]
It's snowing outside. It's supposed to be a pretty bad storm lasting until tomorrow. So I'm stuck in the house. Parents would never allow me to leave when the roads are the way they are. I guess I wouldn't want to. I guess it's the fact that I'm not allowed is what I have the issue with. However, I'm happy with having an excuse for not being able to go out. Since I got here, on Tuesday, every one's been asking me to hang out. And everyone who knows me, knows that on my break I like to just lay around and have me time. A lot of me time. At least when I first get here, geez. Then when I'm bored with that, I'm ready to go out as many times as people would like me to.
But now I finally get to do most of the things I wanted to do on break. I have a post it note on my desktop with a list of things I wanted to do once the semester was over. I have 3 post its actually, all with lists of things. Such as Christmas movies I want to watch, Theatre movies I want to go see, music I want to download, and books I want to read.
End of Death Semester:
1. MALL/Stores
2. Check out neighborhood Christmas lights
3. dust+clean furniture
5. READ :)
6. Greys Anatomy
7. House
8. Catch up on DVR
9. Morning Star
Yes, I'm a dork. I've completed some things on the list, that's why the numbering is off. But anyways, some things I cannot do because I'm not in my super cool apt. I can't dust+clean furniture, can't catch up on DVR...and that's about it. But anyways, I get to read (I've been reading like 3 books at the same time all semester and am antsy to finally finish at least one geez), journal, watch Grey's and House :)) I luvs it.
I've been pretty good at reading and answering emails first thing in the day so I can just get it out of the way. Even though the semester is over, they still have us doing crap over break. You see, our PA program is obsessed with community service. It prides itself in that it requires its students to complete 40 hours of community service by the time they graduate. I have about 20 hours down and while I am all for serving the community, I am so angry with our program because I believe they're doing it for the wrong reasons. Our program director thinks she's super woman and is now the President of the AAPA (American Association of Physician Assistants) and she purposefully puts a ton on her place because she feels she is more efficient this way and feels better about herself. That's all great and fine until the programs and people you are responsible to start suffering because you're NOT super woman and can't do it all. She is married and has two kids. She travels pretty much every other weekend if not every weekend, and doesn't go home until midnight or one o'clock sometimes and when she does go home she's still reading and sending out emails until 3am! Her fellow colleagues at the program have complained about how they're picking up her slack and the students she has in her sections never get their work back on time and so do not receive as much feedback as the other professors give their students. I happened to be in her class this semester and I never got any of my work back in time. I would do my write ups before I got the previous one done so if I did something wrong on the first one, I had no idea, I just wrote the next one the same way AND GOT POINTS TAKEN OFF FOR A MISTAKE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF I HAD GOTTEN THE FIRST WRITE UP BACK IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes, I'm a little bitter. Just a tad. Anyways, all this to say, she expects us to live our lives the same way. We're in class 12 hours a day, AND have to study for at least 2 exams a week. We already don't have enough time to study for those exams because we're in class all day. And now she wants us to do community service DURING the week, and on all of Saturday. Then we have this Cow Chip fair thing on April 4th that we were supposed to start setting up for during the 2 weeks of finals. [!!!!!] Well screw her, I am the head of the forms committee and I didn't do anything but study during finals week. And believe me, there were other stupid busy work stuff we had to do during all the business of exams. It just doesn't stop. And it's supposed to be one of the best programs in the country but it comes off as unorganized and selfish on their part only worrying about their own schedules because they all still practice a few times a week [they're all PA's]. So we were supposed to start 3 weeks ago, and continue working on it during break and so I've been doing that. Emailing my committee, emailing with the president of the class and treasurer because we need checks blah blah And it's annoying and it's messy and I just want NO RESPONSIBILITIES. What's also funny is that I didn't even volunteer for this position! They picked me to volunteer. Isn't that funny?? They volunteered FOR me. Bastards. See, that's not community service. That's a "we have a number of events we've signed up for every year because we need to meet the quota to be known as a community minded PA program and you have to volunteer for them or we'll look like a-holes". Aside from this Cow Chip Crap er crap, I've enjoyed being a part of what I've done. I've read to little kids at waiting rooms, I've drawn blood/translated during KEEPS (I don't even know what that stands for but it's with the National Kidney Foundation, they're screenings/fairs for kidney disease) which are 8 hour gigs, I've handed out clothes and food in the commons of New Haven and at a men's shelter, I've done more NKF stuff at the NBC Health fair in Hartford, I made a PowerPoint and gave a presentation at a nursing home health fair on fall prevention, and I've even volunteered to set up and be on a panel for one of the interviewing dates for the incoming class (which we didn't get community service hours for because it is program related!).
*sigh*
That felt good. That might have been boring so I forgive you if you skipped over it. I would have too.
So aside from being frustrated with all of the class time and exam scheduling, we have outside stuff like that to worry about. OH, and they're always asking for money! For charity events, and for other committees our class apparently has to be a part of (I'm not sure, I checked out once I heard the words "you owe..". I love giving money. I honest to God do. Even when I have none. But I am so pissed at them...I mean, I would have been fine with giving money now, but if they would have just TOLD US at the beginning instead of springing all of this on us out of nowhere. I DIDN'T FACTOR THIS INTO MY LOAN MONEY, I'm sorry! Geez, I'm already broke as it is, where in the world am I going to get money to give to this charity event I'm not even invited to - oh yeah because I have class and am a poor graduate student! So they know not to invite us, why are you asking us for money?!
Sorry, didn't expect to go off again. I think that's it though. Yes.
*sigh* Maybe I should just end it here, sheesh, guess I really needed to get that out.
It's snowing outside. It's supposed to be a pretty bad storm lasting until tomorrow. So I'm stuck in the house. Parents would never allow me to leave when the roads are the way they are. I guess I wouldn't want to. I guess it's the fact that I'm not allowed is what I have the issue with. However, I'm happy with having an excuse for not being able to go out. Since I got here, on Tuesday, every one's been asking me to hang out. And everyone who knows me, knows that on my break I like to just lay around and have me time. A lot of me time. At least when I first get here, geez. Then when I'm bored with that, I'm ready to go out as many times as people would like me to.
But now I finally get to do most of the things I wanted to do on break. I have a post it note on my desktop with a list of things I wanted to do once the semester was over. I have 3 post its actually, all with lists of things. Such as Christmas movies I want to watch, Theatre movies I want to go see, music I want to download, and books I want to read.
End of Death Semester:
1. MALL/Stores
2. Check out neighborhood Christmas lights
3. dust+clean furniture
5. READ :)
6. Greys Anatomy
7. House
8. Catch up on DVR
9. Morning Star
Yes, I'm a dork. I've completed some things on the list, that's why the numbering is off. But anyways, some things I cannot do because I'm not in my super cool apt. I can't dust+clean furniture, can't catch up on DVR...and that's about it. But anyways, I get to read (I've been reading like 3 books at the same time all semester and am antsy to finally finish at least one geez), journal, watch Grey's and House :)) I luvs it.
I've been pretty good at reading and answering emails first thing in the day so I can just get it out of the way. Even though the semester is over, they still have us doing crap over break. You see, our PA program is obsessed with community service. It prides itself in that it requires its students to complete 40 hours of community service by the time they graduate. I have about 20 hours down and while I am all for serving the community, I am so angry with our program because I believe they're doing it for the wrong reasons. Our program director thinks she's super woman and is now the President of the AAPA (American Association of Physician Assistants) and she purposefully puts a ton on her place because she feels she is more efficient this way and feels better about herself. That's all great and fine until the programs and people you are responsible to start suffering because you're NOT super woman and can't do it all. She is married and has two kids. She travels pretty much every other weekend if not every weekend, and doesn't go home until midnight or one o'clock sometimes and when she does go home she's still reading and sending out emails until 3am! Her fellow colleagues at the program have complained about how they're picking up her slack and the students she has in her sections never get their work back on time and so do not receive as much feedback as the other professors give their students. I happened to be in her class this semester and I never got any of my work back in time. I would do my write ups before I got the previous one done so if I did something wrong on the first one, I had no idea, I just wrote the next one the same way AND GOT POINTS TAKEN OFF FOR A MISTAKE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF I HAD GOTTEN THE FIRST WRITE UP BACK IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes, I'm a little bitter. Just a tad. Anyways, all this to say, she expects us to live our lives the same way. We're in class 12 hours a day, AND have to study for at least 2 exams a week. We already don't have enough time to study for those exams because we're in class all day. And now she wants us to do community service DURING the week, and on all of Saturday. Then we have this Cow Chip fair thing on April 4th that we were supposed to start setting up for during the 2 weeks of finals. [!!!!!] Well screw her, I am the head of the forms committee and I didn't do anything but study during finals week. And believe me, there were other stupid busy work stuff we had to do during all the business of exams. It just doesn't stop. And it's supposed to be one of the best programs in the country but it comes off as unorganized and selfish on their part only worrying about their own schedules because they all still practice a few times a week [they're all PA's]. So we were supposed to start 3 weeks ago, and continue working on it during break and so I've been doing that. Emailing my committee, emailing with the president of the class and treasurer because we need checks blah blah And it's annoying and it's messy and I just want NO RESPONSIBILITIES. What's also funny is that I didn't even volunteer for this position! They picked me to volunteer. Isn't that funny?? They volunteered FOR me. Bastards. See, that's not community service. That's a "we have a number of events we've signed up for every year because we need to meet the quota to be known as a community minded PA program and you have to volunteer for them or we'll look like a-holes". Aside from this Cow Chip Crap er crap, I've enjoyed being a part of what I've done. I've read to little kids at waiting rooms, I've drawn blood/translated during KEEPS (I don't even know what that stands for but it's with the National Kidney Foundation, they're screenings/fairs for kidney disease) which are 8 hour gigs, I've handed out clothes and food in the commons of New Haven and at a men's shelter, I've done more NKF stuff at the NBC Health fair in Hartford, I made a PowerPoint and gave a presentation at a nursing home health fair on fall prevention, and I've even volunteered to set up and be on a panel for one of the interviewing dates for the incoming class (which we didn't get community service hours for because it is program related!).
*sigh*
That felt good. That might have been boring so I forgive you if you skipped over it. I would have too.
So aside from being frustrated with all of the class time and exam scheduling, we have outside stuff like that to worry about. OH, and they're always asking for money! For charity events, and for other committees our class apparently has to be a part of (I'm not sure, I checked out once I heard the words "you owe..". I love giving money. I honest to God do. Even when I have none. But I am so pissed at them...I mean, I would have been fine with giving money now, but if they would have just TOLD US at the beginning instead of springing all of this on us out of nowhere. I DIDN'T FACTOR THIS INTO MY LOAN MONEY, I'm sorry! Geez, I'm already broke as it is, where in the world am I going to get money to give to this charity event I'm not even invited to - oh yeah because I have class and am a poor graduate student! So they know not to invite us, why are you asking us for money?!
Sorry, didn't expect to go off again. I think that's it though. Yes.
*sigh* Maybe I should just end it here, sheesh, guess I really needed to get that out.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Freeeeeedom
So things changed around midnight when I still had 3 lectures to go through and read through all 5 of them again before the exam. I realized it was too much information and it was all blending together. Taking the exam today - I was yawning I was so tired. The room looked too bright and my eyes hurt I was so tired. As I passed the exam in I felt like I had failed it. Like legit failed it. Like another 66 failed it. That was the bad news. The good news: I got a 77 instead!
The other good news: I'M DONE WITH THE SEMESTER OF DEATH!!! I have dreamed of this moment, of being done with the notoriously hardest semester of PA School. And here I am :)))
What I did on thursday when I got home was watch 3 episodes of What Not To Wear (I had like 8 of them on DVR), then went out to a Kareoki party one of the local bars set up for the PA and PT students. It was pretty lame, everyone was wasted when my roommate, a couple of other friends, and I got there. It was good to not have to worry about what I had to do the next day though! I got up on Friday and watched 3 episodes of Jon+Kate plus 8 with my roommate Alicia. And at 6 we had a packing party for our trip to the Dominican Republic.
In conclusion: I LOVE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO!!!!
The other good news: I'M DONE WITH THE SEMESTER OF DEATH!!! I have dreamed of this moment, of being done with the notoriously hardest semester of PA School. And here I am :)))
What I did on thursday when I got home was watch 3 episodes of What Not To Wear (I had like 8 of them on DVR), then went out to a Kareoki party one of the local bars set up for the PA and PT students. It was pretty lame, everyone was wasted when my roommate, a couple of other friends, and I got there. It was good to not have to worry about what I had to do the next day though! I got up on Friday and watched 3 episodes of Jon+Kate plus 8 with my roommate Alicia. And at 6 we had a packing party for our trip to the Dominican Republic.
In conclusion: I LOVE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO!!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Headed for an ASP meeting
Pharm exam: 66
I don't want to talk about it...I'm not ready to...I don't want to. What is there to say really?
I have one more exam left, I know it'll go better, and thats pretty much it.
...I feel like I can't get over it...unfortunately, feeling bad about it didn't last for 2.5 minutes...it feels like a shadow following me around. It makes me feel bad about myself. Like a bad student. Like I don't deserve to go on vacation. Like I shouldn't be a PA. Upside: everyone else didn't so so hot either. Maybe they'll curve it?
ASP here I come... Academic Standing P(don't know what the P stands for)
[ASP is the board you have to have a meeting with to discuss the classes you were "deficient" in, why, what you've done to learn the information since, and what you've changed about what you did wrong. I cried when I went in October for last semester...I said, "I'm never doing that ever again", and here I am, definitely on my way to another meeting. Some asshole made me feel awful saying things like, "Well it doesn't matter if you felt you knew the information and that the test score didn't show it, you are still deficient, you still got an 82 and not an 83, you are deficient." Excellent, can't wait.]
I'm going to get an A on tomorrow's exam. Hopefully that'll make me feel like I deserve a vacation, even if just a little bit.
I don't want to talk about it...I'm not ready to...I don't want to. What is there to say really?
I have one more exam left, I know it'll go better, and thats pretty much it.
...I feel like I can't get over it...unfortunately, feeling bad about it didn't last for 2.5 minutes...it feels like a shadow following me around. It makes me feel bad about myself. Like a bad student. Like I don't deserve to go on vacation. Like I shouldn't be a PA. Upside: everyone else didn't so so hot either. Maybe they'll curve it?
ASP here I come... Academic Standing P(don't know what the P stands for)
[ASP is the board you have to have a meeting with to discuss the classes you were "deficient" in, why, what you've done to learn the information since, and what you've changed about what you did wrong. I cried when I went in October for last semester...I said, "I'm never doing that ever again", and here I am, definitely on my way to another meeting. Some asshole made me feel awful saying things like, "Well it doesn't matter if you felt you knew the information and that the test score didn't show it, you are still deficient, you still got an 82 and not an 83, you are deficient." Excellent, can't wait.]
I'm going to get an A on tomorrow's exam. Hopefully that'll make me feel like I deserve a vacation, even if just a little bit.
There's just no way
So, after 6 hours of studying and still being on Lecture 1, and after reading drug after drug (i'm on the 2nd lecture and i've gone over a little over 100 drugs) with all different regimens and noticing that everything was just starting to blend in - I've come to the conclusion that there is just no way that I can get all of this information into my brain and be able to retrieve it tomorrow for the exam. There is just no way. It is physically impossible. We have to be realistic at times like this. It's not like THERE IS A WAY and I'm giving up, No, it's a this professor is crazy and even if I had a week to study for this exam I would still be praying for an 83 because the material is that ridiculous. So let it be known. I did not give up. I am being realistic. After I go over the material once, I am going to bed. Better be rested (or get sleep at all) than get no sleep and make even poorer decisions on the exam because I'm sleep deprived.
Also, I've decided I won't stay to correct it. I'm going to hand it in, and go home. And I won't feel guilty, and I will feel defeated for 2.4 minutes but then I'm going to brush it off and look ahead to the LAST exam of the semester. And study hard for it.
And kick ass.
It's 1am, I'm thinking 3am will be my bedtime.
[edit: My roommate has studied in the living room with me all weekend/week and she's sitting over by the dining room and she's falling asleep and she keeps saying "this is fucking crazy" but, she's also saying she's not going to bed. or showering. she is going to stay up all night. she's going to get "one hour of sleep and pick up again". she's putting in the time, effort...whatever you want to call it - even though I'm positive it won't make a difference. We're both tired. everything is blending in. at this point nothing is sticking. - or will it make a difference? Is she a better student than I am? Does she deserve this more than I do? What am I doing? Am I really being realistic or taking the easy way out? Ugh, back to studying.]
Also, I've decided I won't stay to correct it. I'm going to hand it in, and go home. And I won't feel guilty, and I will feel defeated for 2.4 minutes but then I'm going to brush it off and look ahead to the LAST exam of the semester. And study hard for it.
And kick ass.
It's 1am, I'm thinking 3am will be my bedtime.
[edit: My roommate has studied in the living room with me all weekend/week and she's sitting over by the dining room and she's falling asleep and she keeps saying "this is fucking crazy" but, she's also saying she's not going to bed. or showering. she is going to stay up all night. she's going to get "one hour of sleep and pick up again". she's putting in the time, effort...whatever you want to call it - even though I'm positive it won't make a difference. We're both tired. everything is blending in. at this point nothing is sticking. - or will it make a difference? Is she a better student than I am? Does she deserve this more than I do? What am I doing? Am I really being realistic or taking the easy way out? Ugh, back to studying.]
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
PA student time zone
Micro exam: 87
:))))
As soon as I left, I rented a movie, had lunch and watched a movie in bed - napped for an hour in a half and then started studying for tomorrow's exam - Pharmacology. It's an online course. A different instructor did the lectures for this next exam so I have no idea what her tests are like...her notes are a bitch though [pardon my french]. This lady is insane. Sooo, I'm a little worried. Looks like I won't be getting much sleep tonight. I did well last night and the night before that...but I think this is where it ends. I no longer function on the 24 hour day set by the rising and setting of the sun. I sleep when I can, stay up for 12-15 hours studying and take the exam then sleep, then stay up for 12-15 hours to study for the last exam on thursday. I think I can do this.
:))))
As soon as I left, I rented a movie, had lunch and watched a movie in bed - napped for an hour in a half and then started studying for tomorrow's exam - Pharmacology. It's an online course. A different instructor did the lectures for this next exam so I have no idea what her tests are like...her notes are a bitch though [pardon my french]. This lady is insane. Sooo, I'm a little worried. Looks like I won't be getting much sleep tonight. I did well last night and the night before that...but I think this is where it ends. I no longer function on the 24 hour day set by the rising and setting of the sun. I sleep when I can, stay up for 12-15 hours studying and take the exam then sleep, then stay up for 12-15 hours to study for the last exam on thursday. I think I can do this.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Last week of the fall semester
Neuro Exam: 84 :)
"You'll be praying for an 83.."
- a 2nd year, referrring to the fall semester when talking to the 1st years.
I get it now..
On the schedule:
Tuesday: Micro exam
Wednesday: Pharm exam
Thursday: Heme/Onc exam
10am on thursday - Christmas vacation :)
"You'll be praying for an 83.."
- a 2nd year, referrring to the fall semester when talking to the 1st years.
I get it now..
On the schedule:
Tuesday: Micro exam
Wednesday: Pharm exam
Thursday: Heme/Onc exam
10am on thursday - Christmas vacation :)
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Week 1 completed
GU Exam update: 88 instead of an 86! :)
Phyz Diz exam: 89!!! Boo ya! :)
So Week 1 of finals was a success. All above an 83 :)
Now for the final week. 4 exams. In a row. I haven't studied much yet, but the weekend is young...am I setting myself up for failure? lol maybe
So i'll stop writing and go study :P
Phyz Diz exam: 89!!! Boo ya! :)
So Week 1 of finals was a success. All above an 83 :)
Now for the final week. 4 exams. In a row. I haven't studied much yet, but the weekend is young...am I setting myself up for failure? lol maybe
So i'll stop writing and go study :P
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The sun is peering through the clouds
GU Exam: 86
:)
I'm currently now studying for the exam I have tomorrow and preparing for the presentation I also have tomorrow [on medical ethics of an 80 yo woman trying to commit suicide]
Ciao ciao
p.s. I hope I do that well on my exam tomorrow...please please pleeeeaaasseee
[editor's note: I forgot to mention what I got on my Physical Exam: 91!!! :)]
:)
I'm currently now studying for the exam I have tomorrow and preparing for the presentation I also have tomorrow [on medical ethics of an 80 yo woman trying to commit suicide]
Ciao ciao
p.s. I hope I do that well on my exam tomorrow...please please pleeeeaaasseee
[editor's note: I forgot to mention what I got on my Physical Exam: 91!!! :)]
Monday, December 1, 2008
Familial relationships are healing
This is my sister, Damaris (Dee), and her fiance, Jose. They are getting married next August! My little sister! Getting married next year! [before me! haha] No but I am very happy for them. When she called me right after she had gotten engaged, I did kind of freak out. But they've been dating for so long, I'm glad they'll finally be together and be able to be together the way people who love each other should! Anyways, yes, my monergism conversation was with them and they've both been very nice...they appear to be genuine in the way to speak to me about their church and when they asked me to go with them about 2 weeks ago, it was a pleasant experience. And what meant the most was when Dee asked me where Tim was spending thanksgiving and after I told her she said, "Hopefully next year he'll be able to spend it with us.." And she meant it genuinely, in a way that said, "I don't agree with how parents keep him out of our lives"... So yeah. Maybe it's even their genuinity and their lack of judgement that has made the monergism talk stay with me.. who knows. Anyways, so yeah, class is over now and off to finish off my Monday. [I'm actually meeting Tim for dinner then study time...]
It's begun
Micro lab exam: 83
I met with my advisor before I left for thanksgiving break, and she told me I would be fine. She believes I'll do fine and that I have to believe it. She said I didn't have to kill myself aiming for 100's or 90's on these next exams coming up. "All you have to get is an 83, and your grades should be fine" So, looks like i'm well on my way, huh? :)
I met with my advisor before I left for thanksgiving break, and she told me I would be fine. She believes I'll do fine and that I have to believe it. She said I didn't have to kill myself aiming for 100's or 90's on these next exams coming up. "All you have to get is an 83, and your grades should be fine" So, looks like i'm well on my way, huh? :)
My hands are tied
The not being OK kind of makes me itch. I itch to go and fix it/make it better. I can't right now though. I do not have the time to come to a decision nor am I stable enough to be able to live with the decision seeing as I have to be super stable to finish off the semester. Trying to study when you can't concentrate isn't very fun at all. So for now, I let him be. I won't ask very many questions...knowing I can't do much about it right now. But once the semester ends, we'll work through it, and do what we have to do. But for not, Liz, let him be.
So this micro lab test i'm studying for...hm I'm feeling like I'm gonna need more than the 5 hours I gave myself to study for it. I also have to mail Jess her birthday package and deposit a check so that my account isn't overdrawn.. and i need to shower. I just like feeling/looking clean on a test day, it makes me feel better - and who's to say feeling good won't get me another 2-4 points on an exam? ;)
Exam is at 1500 (3pm).
So this micro lab test i'm studying for...hm I'm feeling like I'm gonna need more than the 5 hours I gave myself to study for it. I also have to mail Jess her birthday package and deposit a check so that my account isn't overdrawn.. and i need to shower. I just like feeling/looking clean on a test day, it makes me feel better - and who's to say feeling good won't get me another 2-4 points on an exam? ;)
Exam is at 1500 (3pm).
Sunday, November 30, 2008
He's not going anywhere. Tim or God.
I feel like I'm in between seasons right now. Though technically I'm still in the "semester from hell" season [it's not over until Dec. 12], but my brain and heart are telling me otherwise. It's been raining all day and I've been alone for 2 days so maybe that has something to do with it too but I've been feeling sad. And having growing pains. I went home for Thanksgiving dinner and had a pretty intense conversation about theology (specifically, Monergism) with my sister and her fiance, Jose. And I have not been the same since. I've obviously had conversations about theology before. And for the past year or so, I've been able to dodge them or leave unaffected, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head now. Jose suggested http://www.monergism.com I've been there twice so far and have been so overwhelmed each time, I've decided never to go back there again until this semester is over for good because I need time to process everything.
About 3 weeks ago, things got weird again with Tim and I. Everyone should just accept it as FACT, that women have this intuitive sense when it comes to relationships, and that they just know when relationships are about to change or when something is off/wrong. So that being said, I can continue. He was being distant and chose not to spend a day with me for fear of getting into an argument -> this EQUALS tim having doubts and needing space. I told him that this is what he was doing and needed, just how he did around the same time last year. He denied it blah blah, and then in the end, I was right. So boo ya. Now that we are all believers in a woman's intuition, I can continue on with my story. So things got weird with Tim and I and my feeling is that we're not OK. We aren't broken up, but we are not OK. This happens in a relationship, this is normal... I just don't like that he tries to put on this front for me like everything is OK [when it's clearly not] and I wish he would just be honest with me instead of always trying to "calm me down" by acting like everything is fine. Let me tell you something, I freak out because I sense dishonesty - just not the whole truth. The not knowing is what I don't like. Why won't he just get that? I know things aren't OK...he's dealing with independence, his future, fulfillment..self-actualization. Friendships. And then me. Who's so busy we can never really spend legit time together. Who's stressed all the time and becomes super-sensitive. I know it wears on him... And i know it does because he's been super bf since the moment I started the program back in May. And I never gave him a break or cut him some slack. But it was seeing him under these conditions that I saw what a strong and responsible man he had turned into from the insecure 15 year old I met my first day of high school. It was this year that I saw him as the husband I'd like to be with for the rest of my life...
And he's closed off right now. Not completely but he's there. He's dealing with a lot. And I hate, repeat hate, one thing that all men do: they don't share. They don't share details about their day, they don't share complete thoughts...and especially when they're not OK, they don't share very much at all. Suffering from a lack of healing from last year, I'm insecure about our relationship. But just recently [as in 2 days ago], it all of a sudden clicked. He's not going anywhere but he's still young, and has a lot of figuring out to do for himself and about his life and about his future - and just about growing into himself. And sometimes it has nothing to do with me. Other times, it does... how much I empower him as a man in the relationship, how much I listen to him [or don't, as in most cases...], and also how secure I myself come off in the relationship... the moment he seems like he's having doubts about us - I freak. Yet, I do it all the time. I've been doing it. Geez from day 1. of our friendship! Don't even get me started about when we started dating. But he's not going anywhere. And I wish I could be strong enough to be the woman he wants me to be...
So us not being OK has brought up some things I've never really healed from or dealt with. And talking with Jose and Dee brought up the whole faith thing...but also, Dee mentioned this book she was reading to prepare hersel to be a good wife to Jose when they get married. And I immediately thought of all the ways I've changed that Tim didn't know he was in store for when we first started dating. He fell in love with the conservative Liz...and had been in love with her for quite some time...then when we started dating a lot of things happened in my life that changed me and then changed who I was in the relationship. So I realize I'm not the best picture of what a gf [or a wife] should be. And I'm thinking, if I was, we wouldn't have more than half the problems Tim and I have. And then my dad sent me an email earlier this week about how "even though he doesn't let on, he's been really sad for the past few years as to how i've changed" because I'm not active in church, etc. And my mom mentioned (twice) how I should go to church because God will help me with school.
Now, I didn't decide to work on my faith again because "God will help me with school". [i know God won't - HA] But whether I want to figure out what I believe or not, faith has been an integral part of my existance. I've known about faith for as long as I can remember. It was like wake up, hi God, brush your teeth, watch disney movies [i want a love story like that God] and play house with my sister [thank you for letting me win that game against her God], brush your teeth, good night God. He was like part of my family, there weren't 6 of us, there were 7. The way I knew him [or her] was wrong. And thats why my faith fell apart. I don't know who I'd be without faith...well, me right now, which is pretty ugly...I'm a mess :( I had established that my purpose was to learn God [or supreme being, whatever you want to call him/her] ... and i've gone from thinking God doesn't exist to considering maybe there's a little God for everything... so I really had no idea where to start. But, I've started with reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. A chapter a day. I love it so far, I feel like he's writing a biography about me. The chapter I read today ended with him saying to God, "You don't exist". So you see, it's pretty fitting.
So all of this Tim and I not being OK thing has lead me to these goals:
1. Faith
2. Deal with and heal from my broken relationship with my family
3. The awful year tim and I had last year
4. The fact that we're having issues right now [even though i'm telling myself it's a good thing, I still suffer from the "happily ever after" lie disney fed me and aren't ok with it all the time :(]
5. Growing into my skin now that I'm independent from my parents and not under their roof
So, this has been a positive thing. A nice little shake from complacency. Which relationships should be -well I think so.
And thats what my week long thanksgiving break has left me with. And it ends at midnight tonight. Good news is, I don't have my exam tomorrow until 3pm. Besides that, refer to the schedule I provided in my first entry and you'll see what these next two weeks will look like for me. tata
*besos*
About 3 weeks ago, things got weird again with Tim and I. Everyone should just accept it as FACT, that women have this intuitive sense when it comes to relationships, and that they just know when relationships are about to change or when something is off/wrong. So that being said, I can continue. He was being distant and chose not to spend a day with me for fear of getting into an argument -> this EQUALS tim having doubts and needing space. I told him that this is what he was doing and needed, just how he did around the same time last year. He denied it blah blah, and then in the end, I was right. So boo ya. Now that we are all believers in a woman's intuition, I can continue on with my story. So things got weird with Tim and I and my feeling is that we're not OK. We aren't broken up, but we are not OK. This happens in a relationship, this is normal... I just don't like that he tries to put on this front for me like everything is OK [when it's clearly not] and I wish he would just be honest with me instead of always trying to "calm me down" by acting like everything is fine. Let me tell you something, I freak out because I sense dishonesty - just not the whole truth. The not knowing is what I don't like. Why won't he just get that? I know things aren't OK...he's dealing with independence, his future, fulfillment..self-actualization. Friendships. And then me. Who's so busy we can never really spend legit time together. Who's stressed all the time and becomes super-sensitive. I know it wears on him... And i know it does because he's been super bf since the moment I started the program back in May. And I never gave him a break or cut him some slack. But it was seeing him under these conditions that I saw what a strong and responsible man he had turned into from the insecure 15 year old I met my first day of high school. It was this year that I saw him as the husband I'd like to be with for the rest of my life...
And he's closed off right now. Not completely but he's there. He's dealing with a lot. And I hate, repeat hate, one thing that all men do: they don't share. They don't share details about their day, they don't share complete thoughts...and especially when they're not OK, they don't share very much at all. Suffering from a lack of healing from last year, I'm insecure about our relationship. But just recently [as in 2 days ago], it all of a sudden clicked. He's not going anywhere but he's still young, and has a lot of figuring out to do for himself and about his life and about his future - and just about growing into himself. And sometimes it has nothing to do with me. Other times, it does... how much I empower him as a man in the relationship, how much I listen to him [or don't, as in most cases...], and also how secure I myself come off in the relationship... the moment he seems like he's having doubts about us - I freak. Yet, I do it all the time. I've been doing it. Geez from day 1. of our friendship! Don't even get me started about when we started dating. But he's not going anywhere. And I wish I could be strong enough to be the woman he wants me to be...
So us not being OK has brought up some things I've never really healed from or dealt with. And talking with Jose and Dee brought up the whole faith thing...but also, Dee mentioned this book she was reading to prepare hersel to be a good wife to Jose when they get married. And I immediately thought of all the ways I've changed that Tim didn't know he was in store for when we first started dating. He fell in love with the conservative Liz...and had been in love with her for quite some time...then when we started dating a lot of things happened in my life that changed me and then changed who I was in the relationship. So I realize I'm not the best picture of what a gf [or a wife] should be. And I'm thinking, if I was, we wouldn't have more than half the problems Tim and I have. And then my dad sent me an email earlier this week about how "even though he doesn't let on, he's been really sad for the past few years as to how i've changed" because I'm not active in church, etc. And my mom mentioned (twice) how I should go to church because God will help me with school.
Now, I didn't decide to work on my faith again because "God will help me with school". [i know God won't - HA] But whether I want to figure out what I believe or not, faith has been an integral part of my existance. I've known about faith for as long as I can remember. It was like wake up, hi God, brush your teeth, watch disney movies [i want a love story like that God] and play house with my sister [thank you for letting me win that game against her God], brush your teeth, good night God. He was like part of my family, there weren't 6 of us, there were 7. The way I knew him [or her] was wrong. And thats why my faith fell apart. I don't know who I'd be without faith...well, me right now, which is pretty ugly...I'm a mess :( I had established that my purpose was to learn God [or supreme being, whatever you want to call him/her] ... and i've gone from thinking God doesn't exist to considering maybe there's a little God for everything... so I really had no idea where to start. But, I've started with reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. A chapter a day. I love it so far, I feel like he's writing a biography about me. The chapter I read today ended with him saying to God, "You don't exist". So you see, it's pretty fitting.
So all of this Tim and I not being OK thing has lead me to these goals:
1. Faith
2. Deal with and heal from my broken relationship with my family
3. The awful year tim and I had last year
4. The fact that we're having issues right now [even though i'm telling myself it's a good thing, I still suffer from the "happily ever after" lie disney fed me and aren't ok with it all the time :(]
5. Growing into my skin now that I'm independent from my parents and not under their roof
So, this has been a positive thing. A nice little shake from complacency. Which relationships should be -well I think so.
And thats what my week long thanksgiving break has left me with. And it ends at midnight tonight. Good news is, I don't have my exam tomorrow until 3pm. Besides that, refer to the schedule I provided in my first entry and you'll see what these next two weeks will look like for me. tata
*besos*
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
GI Exam
Bad news: 74.
Good news: i'm on thanksgiving break even though i still have class until friday.
:) and :(
i feel both.
Good news: i'm on thanksgiving break even though i still have class until friday.
:) and :(
i feel both.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Tired and alone...
I'm tired and I can't concentrate and I can't think straight and I have an exam tomorrow and I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and it looks like the same thing's gonna happen tonight and I'm so tired and I have no motivation and I don't know what to do and I don't know how to do it and i have no confidence in my methods and i'm started to lose confidence in my abilities and i'm lonely and i'm alone and feel alone and i'm so tired my eyes just get watery but i can't cry, the tears won't come, they won't flow and i think my body knows that it's not time yet and it won't let me because right now i love me more than i feel anybody else does and so it's being my best friend and holding me up.
i knew this is what it would be like and i was dreading it and i walked in here like a person being led to a big tub of boiling oil which they're supposed to get into. i knew it would be this bad but i hoped it wouldn't be but i knew it would and i was freaking out. and here i am, at the worst it's ever going to get (so i hear) and I knew it would be this way yet it's nothing like I imagined because you can't imagine this you see, if you've never experienced anything like it before. i've experienced the emotions just not in the same intensity or in the same combinations and it's all new yet not surprising. i'm just so tired.
i knew this is what it would be like and i was dreading it and i walked in here like a person being led to a big tub of boiling oil which they're supposed to get into. i knew it would be this bad but i hoped it wouldn't be but i knew it would and i was freaking out. and here i am, at the worst it's ever going to get (so i hear) and I knew it would be this way yet it's nothing like I imagined because you can't imagine this you see, if you've never experienced anything like it before. i've experienced the emotions just not in the same intensity or in the same combinations and it's all new yet not surprising. i'm just so tired.
I used to be a straight A student
76 on that Micro exam I had today. Now on to study for the GI exam I have tomorrow.
I'm in class right now and the professor started out with reading from the book, "The Little Engine That Could". And i don't remember much of what she said, as my memory brain cells are engorged with information and cannot take in anymore, but she did say this, "an F has never gotten anyone kicked out of the program". And thats all I needed to hear.
It's awful but I don't care that I got a 76. And I don't care that I got a 68 [editor's note: I found out later I got a 70 not a 68] on the cardiology exam last friday. Or that I got a 74 on the endocrine exam last thursday.
or maybe i'm so tired and exhausted and burnt out that I can't care because if I did, I would have a mental break down. So i'm just going. and going. hoping to make it until wednesday. and then hoping to make it until december 12th. i'm strong, and i'm a survivor - I believe it. And despite the 76 and the 68 and the 74, I'm proud of myself. I think I'll make a great PA. I just wish my grades showed it. Theres nothing I can do about it now. Hopefully my good grades from earlier in the semester can bring me over that 83 average i'm supposed to go for.
"an 83 gets you a degree"
So on to studying for GI.
I'm in class right now and the professor started out with reading from the book, "The Little Engine That Could". And i don't remember much of what she said, as my memory brain cells are engorged with information and cannot take in anymore, but she did say this, "an F has never gotten anyone kicked out of the program". And thats all I needed to hear.
It's awful but I don't care that I got a 76. And I don't care that I got a 68 [editor's note: I found out later I got a 70 not a 68] on the cardiology exam last friday. Or that I got a 74 on the endocrine exam last thursday.
or maybe i'm so tired and exhausted and burnt out that I can't care because if I did, I would have a mental break down. So i'm just going. and going. hoping to make it until wednesday. and then hoping to make it until december 12th. i'm strong, and i'm a survivor - I believe it. And despite the 76 and the 68 and the 74, I'm proud of myself. I think I'll make a great PA. I just wish my grades showed it. Theres nothing I can do about it now. Hopefully my good grades from earlier in the semester can bring me over that 83 average i'm supposed to go for.
"an 83 gets you a degree"
So on to studying for GI.
Monday, November 17, 2008
The Disney Channel and Shiraz won't help me pass
This is my first time inside QU's law library. Because I need a change of scenery. Because I won't study in my apartment right now even if you paid me. I've studied there too much lately. And I'll probably just end up watching the Disney Channel eating pistachios and drinking the Shiraz I have on my nightstand in one of the new wine glasses I bought this past weekend... and I can't get less than an 83 on any exams. So no disney channel, and no shiraz I say! So here's the schedule:
Micro Exam - 8am tomorrow
Class until 4:30pm
Micro presentation - 10am on Wednesday
GI Exam - 1:30pm on Wednesday
Class until 9pm - [Drink Shiraz and watch the Disney Channel]
Thursday - class until 4pm - Tim's Birthday on Thursday!! :)
Hx and PE write up due for my preclinical on Friday 8am
Class until 3pm
Thanksgiving break (a week long) = study for the next 2 weeks of death, eat turkey, study for the next 2 weeks of death
December 1 - Micro lab Final
December 3 - GU exam
December 4 - Physical Diagnosis Exam and Geriatrics Presentation
Weekend of death.
December 8 - Pharm exam
December 9 - Micro exam
December 10 - Neuro exam
December 11 - Heme/Oncology Exam
December 12 - last preclinical of the year
CHRISTMAS VACATION FOR 5 WEEKS !!
Alright. Lets begin.
[editor's note: Encouraging text messages and comments on facebook/myspace/blog would be much appreciated, thank you :)]
Micro Exam - 8am tomorrow
Class until 4:30pm
Micro presentation - 10am on Wednesday
GI Exam - 1:30pm on Wednesday
Class until 9pm - [Drink Shiraz and watch the Disney Channel]
Thursday - class until 4pm - Tim's Birthday on Thursday!! :)
Hx and PE write up due for my preclinical on Friday 8am
Class until 3pm
Thanksgiving break (a week long) = study for the next 2 weeks of death, eat turkey, study for the next 2 weeks of death
December 1 - Micro lab Final
December 3 - GU exam
December 4 - Physical Diagnosis Exam and Geriatrics Presentation
Weekend of death.
December 8 - Pharm exam
December 9 - Micro exam
December 10 - Neuro exam
December 11 - Heme/Oncology Exam
December 12 - last preclinical of the year
CHRISTMAS VACATION FOR 5 WEEKS !!
Alright. Lets begin.
[editor's note: Encouraging text messages and comments on facebook/myspace/blog would be much appreciated, thank you :)]
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