Overstaying welcome

So I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. But actually, I just got back from being away for the weekend. I went away to CT (I forgot my laptop charger so I didn't dare take the time to type an entry and risk having my laptop die on me) on "business" - to figure out the Cow Chip crap. It was nice to be in my apartment which I love, have my own space, sleep in my own bed, and go for drives at 2 am if I felt like it (I did). I get home and I'm upstairs in the guest room (because I like sitting on the futon) instead of my old room charging my laptop. My mom comes upstairs and asks me if I had left late and thats why I got home so late. a;slkdfjasl;dkfj I can't even type out the conversation we had because it is so ridiculous and she asks questions in such a round about way and they aren't even questions they're accusations and I don't even have the patience to explain it. I just remember saying, "mom, why does it matter, why are we even having this conversation?" but she kept talking saying oh but why did you leave at 4, oh i thought what you had to do today you could do in the morning, but why could she only meet with you at 1, oh and now you're not going to eat dinner because you had a late breakfast...just stupid pointless stuff. SEE, and this is why I love having my own apt and not living here. So that was one thing.

Then I text message one of my closest friends to see how her day went and her text message consisted of negativity, crankiness and "leave me alone" vibes. I then had dinner at 8pm and was watching a rerun of Gossip Girl when I decide to text message her anyway and say, "want to go do something therapeutic" and she says something about how she has allergies and she's on the couch but asks what I have in mind. So I say, "Making origami love notes at b&n. to each other" She laughs and says she'll do it. So we meet. We are talking, having fun and I'm stupid enough to mention something about Tim again. And I say again because I told her a couple of days ago that things really came to a head with Tim recently and she goes, "Ugh I'm so lost, this whole thing has always been a roller coaster anyway". I said, "yeah try being on it" and then just didn't go on because of course I know it's been a roller coaster I'm sorry it's been awful for you to keep up with, I don't need the criticism, I just needed her to be a friend and listen or atleast want to know what was going on so she wasn't so "lost". But yeah I was stupid and said something about Tim when we were at b&n and again she says something about how she doesn't even know what I want. And I'm realizing now that all of these comments are stemming from the fact that she feels like I just don't make up my mind and that she thinks I don't know what I want. Then she gets talking about something another friend of ours "did to her" and I don't think it's a big deal so I say this. Big mistake. Whatever, so that kind of killed the mood for the rest of the time we were there. B&N closes at 10 so we had to leave anyway. I shouldn't have invited her out in the first place. The text message she had sent me earlier should have been sign enough of what the night would be like out with her. She clearly wasn't in the mood, should have just left her to herself.

But in conclusion. I am once again supported in the "I'm supposed to live on my own now" mindset. Also, said friend is not the one to talk to about Tim things. On the other hand, I'm the stupid one because Jess has been asking me how I'm doing about it and has been telling me over and over again she's there for me and does want to hear the story when I'm ready to share it...yet there I am spilling little beans to said friend. I don't know why I did that.

Anywho, this weekend was the real test. In my apt, all by myself, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. and I was OK...I didn't have trouble breathing without him...didn't miss him so much I had to call him or talk to him or beg to see him...didn't run back to him. I felt empowered actually. I read books about faith and have been journaling about the whole tim thing and have come to understand it more. I've been planning things for my future, thinking about things I want for myself, things I want to do. I want to go to church regularly. I think I found one I really like... I want to be intentional about my faith. learning God and letting him learn me... I want to be healthy, work out, eat right. I want to be a stronger better person.

I do miss him though. I do. very much.