This entry won't make any sense

Back at school. So now I write :) Already I need an outlet. You just can't catch a break with this program. G-e-e-z-e. It's my fault this time. [It can be argued that previous occurences were my fault, but the program definitely had a hand in it - this time however, it is solely I who am to blame] The semester began Jan. 20. It makes me feel a little bit better that only a week has gone by. Aka, only a week that I've wasted my life away. I did absolutely nothing that first week. Did not go over my notes. Did not organize a folder for each class. Did not study. Nada. And during the week, I excused this by saying, "Well, I have the entire weekend, I'll be able to go over everything this weekend." So the weekend rolled around. I had a dentist appointment Saturday @ noon but it was in MA so I had to leave at 10am to get there. I stopped at home and ate lunch with my family and then went to David's Bridal with my sister to pick up her dress. We were there for 3 hours. The place was crazy packed and people who worked there were running around like chickens with their heads cut off but thankfully, there were no Bridezillas. My sister met with the seamstress after she tried it on and they figured everything out about what needed to get done [ a grand total of $400 in alterations - i don't ever want to get married if that's gonna be the case]. We left and I ate something small before I headed back to CT because I was supposed to meet Tim for dinner.



And that's when it went downhill.



I don't think that going into it is necessary. Tim and I were just meeting to discuss a book we had both been reading that I hadn't finished even when I met with him Saturday but other things were said and it came down to that he's getting really hurt not being with me and so he decided he's going to stop contacting me until he's ready to just be my friend. He said he'll always be there if I need anything but that he won't be initiating conversation.



I haven't heard from him or talked to him since. I had already begun cutting off my communication. I wasn't texting him much, I went days without saying anything. Just because I know that's what needs to be done to move on. Because I found that when I would talk to him frequently, I would start missing him a ton and it would just make sticking with my decision harder.



Then I spent Sunday half asleep because I didn't get much sleep at all.



So I was a waste of life this weekend. I got up on Monday and almost cried because this huge wave of yuckiness hit me and I felt like my life was a mess. I need to get a 3.0 this semester to stay in the program and here I am slacking off and doing not-Liz-like things. What was I thinking? What am I thinking?



I need to get back to my way of thinking before school started. Wanting to work on myself, wanting to genuinely learn during the semester by actually paying attention in class and going over the notes when I get home and studying ahead of time so I don't have to cram. I want to work on being Liz. I want to work on learning Liz and making myself a better person. But recently, I've been feeling like I need to get some things done before I become a better person. Like I need to do certain things or go through certain things.

But I think thats bullshit. Lies. The enemy of my soul is feeding me. And there I was believing them.

So what am I gonna do about it?

I haven't decided yet. And thats why I'm human. And disappointed in myself. The end.