Stress

Not feeling so hot. This rotation is kicking my ass as far as making the whole lack of sleep thing a huuuuge issue. I feel physically ill right now and I know it's only cuz I only got three in a half hours of sleep.

It's taken me 3 days to get one task done. One. My motivation has gone out the window.

Cuz I'm stressed. About this paper thats due 3 days before my exam. An exam I have to pass or I might get suspended for the year... they've already suspended another student. He has to sit out the rest of the year and restart clinical year with the following year's class. That's scary as [crap].

But I have no motivation to do what I have to do to get it done!

Cuz I'm tired. Cuz I feel hungover I'm so tired. And when I feel that way I get super sensitive and the smallest things affect me and I start thinking crazy.

Solution: go to bed right now liz.

And I'm on call tomorrow. :(

The vague entry

It's about time I updated this thing.

I realize that I never explained my "crazy comeback" that got me into 2nd year. But I made it. I scored in the 90's on most of the exams and got above an 83 on all of them. Exams that were back to back! At the time I remember acknowledging, "this is such a God thing". That didn't stop me going down the path I took this summer though...

Regardless, summer is over. fall has come and soon will go. And I established my new beginning. I haven't necessarily backslid as far as steps I've taken...but definitely in things I've thought about and states of mind I've had. I've learned so much about myself though. And honestly, that was exactly what I set out to do this year...know myself...decide who it is I want to be...but acknowledge and embrace who I am right now.

i know what i want. i'm picky. but my emotions make me fickle.
i'm picky when it comes to men. but my emotions confound my once clearcut criteria. so i fall. then wake up picky again.
i sabotage possible relationships for one reason or another...haven't quite put my finger on it yet.
i have an outrageous need for affection and physical presence.
i need time alone to re-energize.
i can't read people as well as I thought i did.
i am sinful - growing up in a "be righteous or u won't go to heaven" environment, I was pretty good at doing what was right, so I never really got to know my dark side thus not really believing it existed.
i have a dark side.
i'm mostly attracted to this type of men -> "lets hang out...but I'm not really looking for a gf"
and the "I'm 25, 6'4, play basketball, HOT, and may or may not have a college degree and don't have any plans for my future. oh and I'm not cultured"
that means i'm not gonna be married before 30 lol
and last but not least, i believe in God. just don't know how to love him again...

Things are going well in rotations. I've passed every exam so far and gotten awesome evaluations from my preceptors. I am currently doing Internal Med which I lovingly like to call the "I don't know shit" rotation. Cuz it is on a daily basis (multiple times a day) that I am reminded of that. when a patient is laying in front of me comatose and his ammonia level is through the roof and I have no effing clue how I could have avoided that and don't know what the frick Lactulose's mechanism of action is... yeah. Feel free to fill me in. Anyways.

My roomie alicia has her rotation in NH this time so I'm all alone in my apt for 6 weeks :( Not good for the "liz cannot be alone for long periods of time" thing. However, it's only been a week in a half and I actually kinda love it :P Walking out of my room naked if I'm too lazy to cover up is kinda fun, not gonna lie.

September count for boys: 4 (trust me, learned my lesson)
November count for boys: 1 :) date this weekend. This one falls under the second one of the categories I listed above.. ugh. but I'm trying not to assume. we'll see.

So thats me. Hope things only get better from here...

october 11th 1:21 am

alone.
lonely.
tired.
unhappy.

unhappy for 3 years. that's a long time. I'm angry. because i've been unhappy. i yell at drivers on the road. i yell sarcastic things in my head at people who do ridiculous things and sometimes not so ridiculous things. i guess i'm crazy now.

i've been unhappy for 3 years. unhappy about different things over the 3 years. the one i'm angry about now I guess, is that i'm alone. because, i guess, i'm lonely.

on a good note, i've passed all of my exams so far during clinical year. tada. i'm gonna be a kick ass PA, boo ya.

good night world.

It's me again

Well it's been a while since I updated, and a couple of people I know just started blogging and I figure I should probably write in mine too.

I should be studying right now.

As always.

But just a quick update. Passed my first clinical rotation exam. The 2nd one is friday. As is my sister's rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Saturday she gets married! The bad news is I feel like I'm gonna fail this exam and I keep procrastinating because it's too much material and realistically speaking I will never memorize all of it. However, staying away from it completely isn't gonna help me either...

Anyways. I stuck to it. My plan for staying away from those boys. But it left me feeling empty. For a while, this rotation kept me distracted. For now it's this exam. But whats gonna happen when I see my little sister walking down the aisle towards the man of her dreams and leave for their honeymoon and their happily ever after? I'm not sure... I guess we'll see.

Back to studying.

isn't being in the hospital supposed to make you NOT sick?

bad news: pregnant lady came in last week complaining of right lower quadrant pain that radiated to her back. uti/pyelonephritis we all thought, possible appendicitis? Wrong. The Swine Flu. = Liz has been exposed.

good news: it's been over a week and still no symptoms for me :)

how long is the incubation period again??

bad news #2: pregnant lady came in, delivered normally, discharged with no complications. Positive for Scabies AFTER the fact = Liz has been exposed.

good news: Haven't been itchy at all since the exposure.

I hope I didn't just jinx myself. *knocks on wood*

you know you love me, x o x o

"Lonely[girl] spotted at the ob/gyn floor in bridgeport...."

Hehe, gotta love gossip girl. Anyways, clinicals are going well. I've done about 9 c-sections, and helped deliver one baby naturally. It was uh-mazing. And I will never have kids, no sir.

However, a big, big difference between this new academic year and the last is that..drum roll please..i have free time. And while this was nice the first week or so, I've been struggling now. I can stay busy most week nights, but once friday and saturday hit - I'm a mess. I'm able to keep this focused mindset for about 3 days, thursday it starts to waver, and friday i work hard to be strong up until 10 or 11pm and then craaaash. And saturday ends up being worse. I've been defined lately by my fickleness. I choose to think/feel a certain way and then days later (sometimes even HOURS) different feelings or thoughts come up. It's like I can't stick to something. It's become so bad that I'm considering either buying a Joyce Meyer book or joining match.com. The joyce meyer book because she seems to know how to make women shut up and get a hold of their emotions, and match.com cuz it'll keep me busy and give me something to do.

i just want to stick to one thing. i truly believe I don't need to be with anyone and then out of nowhere it gets hard to breathe and there I am feeling sorry for myself. why can't I just be OK with my decisions? of not being with tim, of never seeing ricot again? of focusing on SCHOOL, and studying on a friday night instead of wanting to be hanging out with someone? why can't i just be happy/content? it's moments like this where i wish i didn't have free will. God, just MAKE me do it please. thx. [i hope he listens]

that is all for now folks. i'm sure i will write another post soon on how i screwed up again. 8-6 on the labor/delivery floor awaits... buenas noches

I made it

I got a 3.0.

I can't believe it.

I am now officially a 2nd year PA student...

details on my CRAZY come back later.

Surgery exam: 86. :)

I'm really gonna make it
Feels good :)

I can do this

Got bad news. From both the orthopedist surgeon and my advisor. Without going too much into it, I have 4 weeks to be able to bend my knee 120 degrees (I was at 95 degrees on friday), and 3 weeks to bring my GPA up or I'm getting dismissed from the program.

Physical therapy has become more intense. And so has my studying. I have 9 exams left until the end of the semester. Well, 8 now. I had one today. Peds: 90. :)

I can do this.

The beginning of the end

Pharm: 74

and class right now.

I'm feeling more down about Ricot. and not my grade. thats not good. well, i did have a beer before i came to class. maybe that's masking the feelings? i was pretty upset after we graded the exam. now i don't care anymore. i'm tired. i'm so over it. over all of it. and i'm not liking documenting my failure on this thing. so i might just take a break. boooo :(

I'm losing

Well chitlins, it's been a while huh.

Surgery exam: 83

Beh Med exam: 81

Ob/gyn exam: 82

Not good enough peoples. For any of those classes. :( I have a pharm exam tomorrow and though I've started figuring out how to study for, don't know how efficient it's gonna be and if i'll do well.

After that ob/gyn exam, it looks like I won't meet my 3.0 gpa for the semester... :( Meaning I'm gonna have to go to ASP again and possibly face being dismissed from the program. So many people keep telling me they won't kick me out because my grades aren't that bad and my personality is great and i'd make a "great PA". Well. I'm meeting with my advisor on thursday. So we'll see then.

But. my fear has come true. the one i had before starting the program. i feared my grades would be continually on the low side, making every exam weigh a ton. barely keeping my head above water. with my back against the wall. crammed into a corner with how strict I have to be with my grades. and here I am. if I could talk to myself the year I applied, I would say, "take a couple more years off liz. you need them. because the things you need to go through in the next couple of years will hinder you from doing your best in school". but i don't have that option anymore so now I have to live with my head barely above water.

for the first time in my life i believe the stereotype. maybe puertoricans really aren't that smart and have to try that much harder. i say this because i gave up making excuses for myself. deep down i know the stereotype isn't true and doesn't apply to this situation...that there are a lot of things contributing to me not being able to concentrate and not having enough motivation to study 24/7... but i'm just so tired. because those reasons/excuses aren't getting me better grades.

I had to break up with tim. and keep it that way. because I need to get to know myself better, what I want my life to look like, what role i want faith to play in my life, and then eventually figure out what kind of a relationship I want. however, i lost love. security. support. comfort. i lost love... and thats how liz functions. on love. feeling loved. having that love as comfort at the end of a hard day.

4 weeks left. of this semester. 4 weeks left to redeem myself. i need a miracle.

Thursday update

Peds Exam 2: 86

:) staying above that 83.

I'm dead tired though. Only got 2 hours of sleep. And I have a 12 hour class day ahead of me :( On the positive side, my weekend technically starts right now :) I'm taking tonight and friday off. Work begins Saturday. Next exam: Surgery Exam next friday.

My list on what I'm gonna do for the these 2 days (technically only one day) off:
- grocery shopping (yes, immobilizer brace and all)
- oil change? with car wash
- fun shopping - necklace, stuffed animal, possible piercing..hmmm??

I just had ACL surgery 2 weeks ago?? Pish posh, i don't need to walk normally to lead a normal life. :P

Tuesday Update

History and Roles of PA midterm: 99

Granted, it's a joke of a class but I still had to put the work in. Now onto studying for the Peds exam that I have on thursday. :)

Edit: I broke my no facebook thing for liz's lent lol

Graduating post operation and on to the physical therapy stage

My parents just left. It's official, I'm on my own post surgery. It's really interesting to see how far I've come. While I was at home, my mom had to help me do everything because I couldn't even lift my leg nor put weight on it. Plus I had to wear a stupid immobilizer brace that got in the way of everything. When we got here on tuesday, I went from that to being able to do everything on my own in only 5 days. I started putting weight on it, with crutches. Then went down to one crutch. Then no crutches with my brace on. And now I have no crutches and no brace. Also, my range of motion for bending my knee was 40 degrees the first day of PT (yes I know thats awful). The 2nd time it was 60 degrees (20 degrees in a day!). Then friday I went all the way to 77 degrees! :) My PT said past 70 degrees is like the goal of week 3 for rehab and I had gone past it in week 1! Boo yaa. I'm not moving normally obviously but I can do things for myself now! And the Radiology technicians taught me a trick to lift my leg on my own (tuck my good leg under it and lift/move it) I move slower than a snail and I'm still really scared to do anything fancy. But I'm doing what my PT tells me to and hopefully that'll be enough to get me to a full recovery. At this point I'm so traumatized I probably won't be able to do a fake out on anybody in basketball EVER but as long as I can run on a treadmill, I'm all set for life.

Well, now I'm forced to move around more to do things, which will be good for my leg. The bad part is that my support system left with them, and about this I am sad :( But I'm a big girl and I CAN DO THIS.

Pharm Exam: 88

:) see?

Now off to study. Two exams this week. Midterm for a stupid history and roles of PA's class on tuesday, then a Pediatrics exam on thursday. Bring it on.

Post Spring Break

Had ACL surgery March 10th.

Had stitches and dressing removed tuesday. Started Physical Therapy (PT) tuesday.

It's gonna be a long road. And it's gonna get really tough at times.

I'm just happy I get to start putting weight on it now, can shower without having to wrap my knee, and can start walking as I feel comfortable. I'm not going to cheat myself. I want to get back to normal as soon as I can. So I'm gonna make sure I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing.



This is my clean slate. There is the before the surgery and the after the surgery. Before the surgery I failed exams and didn't study when I was supposed to be studying. Now I'm going to put in the time I should be putting in and have to in order to get A's and high B's in order to make up for the 70 somethings I got on the first set of exams in every class. I will get at least a 3.0 GPA this semester. I will get an A or a high B in all of my exams from now on. I know I'm capable of it. There's no reason why I shouldn't. I will.

I'm choosing to do this without Tim.. he offered to stay for a week or come over on weekends. but he's gonna continue wanting what he wants and I'm still going to stick to my decision and he's gonna get cranky and being around him will just be torture rather than help. (He visited me twice this weekend, the first time was fine, the second time was torture because what I just said happened) I've finally come to accept that we just won't be OK unless we distance ourselves for a while. I was trying and hoping to keep the friendship but the truth is that we're just not ready.



I've also given up Facebook for "Liz's Lent" (which began yesterday and ends on Easter). I think this will be good, as I've wasted many hours on that addicting site.

And now I study for the Pharm exam I have tomorrow.

love

While listening to the new Taylor Swift song, "Love Story", I think of this:



Often in thinking of Tim I think about how much he loves me and wonder if I’ll ever have someone who loves me as much as he did… and no, I mean, yes someone’s gonna love me that much but they’re going to REALLY love me. Without the ups and the downs, without wavering, without inconsistency. That’s how I want to be loved. I want to be wholly loved. Someone can love me better than he did.

On the road to redemption..

Ob/Gyn Exam 2: 86

Praise the Lord. :)

I hope I get kicked out

Behavioral Med exam: 78

Ob/Gyn exam: ...63

The space around me swirls and for a second I stop breathing. My world collapses. No I did not pass out. I might as well have.

I've lost all sense of time. I don't even want to figure out when these exams were. I know they were on the same day... k I remember, they were on tuesday of this past week. I'm not in the mood to go into it or talk about it, as I've definitely moved on and am looking ahead and have already dealt with the meaning of it and what I'm supposed to do now. Just thought I needed to document it on my PA school blog. So there you have it.

Happy New Year to me

I failed it: 74.

But thats ok. I expected to legit fail it, like a 50 or something. And a 74 really isn't that bad for my first exam in the class - I can totally come back from it. I did stay up all night and felt like complete crap the entire next day. But I can come back from this.

Again, the point is that it's over. I didn't study the way i was supposed to, I'm dealing with the consequences - a 77 and a 74. And now I take it day by day and make sure I be a good student day by day. And I have been. I've been more organized, have paid more attention in class and have started making better decisions about my personal life.

Tim and I are talking again. I busted my knee 2 mondays ago playing basketball and flipped out bcuz i was so stressed and it was the last thing i needed. I text messaged him the story while crying hysterically and he called and talked me through it and calmed me down for an hour. It was exactly what I needed. We've been talking here and there since. Mostly just him checking on me and my knee and how i'm doing with school. The issue is gonna come back up again though...him wanting to be with me and my answer still being no and us having to put that distance between us again. I still love him...I just know we aren't supposed to be together right now. maybe even ever. But I don't see how I could not have him in my life. I want to be able to get to the place where we can keep in touch and truly be friends. Because he was my best friend for 7 years before we had started dating...I really don't want to lose him.

Anywho, I'm being a better student, making better decisions for myself..I'd say my New Year's day was on monday when I started legit studying for an exam lol My new year resolutions: Eat healthier. Stay active* (as best I can). Be the best student I can be. Work on Liz.

*My knee: some guy kicked my leg out from under me trying to steal the ball away from me = blood effusion in my knee. My profs think I tore my ACL. I'm praying and hoping it is only a sprain...because I don't want surgery :( And my life is difficult as it is, I really don't need this. I got an MRI yesterday morning and showed it to one of my profs and he said he didn't have much experience in reading MRIs (??) so he didn't give me much information. I go next week to meet my orthopedist so he can give me my diagnosis.

I have a group presentation to give today on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered patients. It's been wicked interesting researching it and doing my part.

Anyways, it's an 8am-9pm day peoples. Adios..

What's everyone doing for Valentine's day? Tell me :) [and i'll tell you...]

I've been a bad student.

There is nothing I can do about the past. Except do things differently NOW. I can't go back to have studied more for these exams. I just have tonight and the time before the exam. So I'm going to use it wisely.

Yep, exams are back. Have at least one exam every week. I had one today. Have one tomorrow. And I was the worst student in the world up until...this morning I'm gonna say. LOL (but not really) This morning I studied efficiently, I was able to concentrate, and I covered a lot of things. I've had trouble concentrating in the past and staying focused and being motivated at all to study. So I just didn't study.

I got a 77 on the exam. 1st exam of the semester: failed.

I have one tomorrow. I am still in class. Until 9 pm. Then class at 7:30am. How much time does that give me to study? 9-10 hours? With no sleep. That's just what I'm gonna have to do. And I have a feeling I'm gonna fail this one too.

But my point is that I can't go back and change that I didn't study. I'm gonna have to deal with it and work with the
time I have. And then work hard to catch up so I can be the kind of student I want to be and know I can be.

*sigh* there's nothing else you can do liz. just work with the time you have. forgive yourself and work to change and be better.

Meet my new boyfriend

PA School.

I've decided. I realize why I've been a waste of life for the past week in a half. Because school was not my number 1 priority. My feelings for Tim were. My fun was. My distractions from Tim were. So I've decided. School will be my #1 priority. It has to be. I need to get over this, "I don't want to do it" rut I'm in and just do it until I'm used to it and then I'm on auto pilot focusing on my work, paying attention in class, and studying the way I'm supposed to. And organizing my room and doing my laundry is the first step to get there lol

E.C.O. + P.A.S. = lovers

I wonder what I'll get for Valentine's Day?

This entry won't make any sense

Back at school. So now I write :) Already I need an outlet. You just can't catch a break with this program. G-e-e-z-e. It's my fault this time. [It can be argued that previous occurences were my fault, but the program definitely had a hand in it - this time however, it is solely I who am to blame] The semester began Jan. 20. It makes me feel a little bit better that only a week has gone by. Aka, only a week that I've wasted my life away. I did absolutely nothing that first week. Did not go over my notes. Did not organize a folder for each class. Did not study. Nada. And during the week, I excused this by saying, "Well, I have the entire weekend, I'll be able to go over everything this weekend." So the weekend rolled around. I had a dentist appointment Saturday @ noon but it was in MA so I had to leave at 10am to get there. I stopped at home and ate lunch with my family and then went to David's Bridal with my sister to pick up her dress. We were there for 3 hours. The place was crazy packed and people who worked there were running around like chickens with their heads cut off but thankfully, there were no Bridezillas. My sister met with the seamstress after she tried it on and they figured everything out about what needed to get done [ a grand total of $400 in alterations - i don't ever want to get married if that's gonna be the case]. We left and I ate something small before I headed back to CT because I was supposed to meet Tim for dinner.



And that's when it went downhill.



I don't think that going into it is necessary. Tim and I were just meeting to discuss a book we had both been reading that I hadn't finished even when I met with him Saturday but other things were said and it came down to that he's getting really hurt not being with me and so he decided he's going to stop contacting me until he's ready to just be my friend. He said he'll always be there if I need anything but that he won't be initiating conversation.



I haven't heard from him or talked to him since. I had already begun cutting off my communication. I wasn't texting him much, I went days without saying anything. Just because I know that's what needs to be done to move on. Because I found that when I would talk to him frequently, I would start missing him a ton and it would just make sticking with my decision harder.



Then I spent Sunday half asleep because I didn't get much sleep at all.



So I was a waste of life this weekend. I got up on Monday and almost cried because this huge wave of yuckiness hit me and I felt like my life was a mess. I need to get a 3.0 this semester to stay in the program and here I am slacking off and doing not-Liz-like things. What was I thinking? What am I thinking?



I need to get back to my way of thinking before school started. Wanting to work on myself, wanting to genuinely learn during the semester by actually paying attention in class and going over the notes when I get home and studying ahead of time so I don't have to cram. I want to work on being Liz. I want to work on learning Liz and making myself a better person. But recently, I've been feeling like I need to get some things done before I become a better person. Like I need to do certain things or go through certain things.

But I think thats bullshit. Lies. The enemy of my soul is feeding me. And there I was believing them.

So what am I gonna do about it?

I haven't decided yet. And thats why I'm human. And disappointed in myself. The end.