I'm losing

Well chitlins, it's been a while huh.

Surgery exam: 83

Beh Med exam: 81

Ob/gyn exam: 82

Not good enough peoples. For any of those classes. :( I have a pharm exam tomorrow and though I've started figuring out how to study for, don't know how efficient it's gonna be and if i'll do well.

After that ob/gyn exam, it looks like I won't meet my 3.0 gpa for the semester... :( Meaning I'm gonna have to go to ASP again and possibly face being dismissed from the program. So many people keep telling me they won't kick me out because my grades aren't that bad and my personality is great and i'd make a "great PA". Well. I'm meeting with my advisor on thursday. So we'll see then.

But. my fear has come true. the one i had before starting the program. i feared my grades would be continually on the low side, making every exam weigh a ton. barely keeping my head above water. with my back against the wall. crammed into a corner with how strict I have to be with my grades. and here I am. if I could talk to myself the year I applied, I would say, "take a couple more years off liz. you need them. because the things you need to go through in the next couple of years will hinder you from doing your best in school". but i don't have that option anymore so now I have to live with my head barely above water.

for the first time in my life i believe the stereotype. maybe puertoricans really aren't that smart and have to try that much harder. i say this because i gave up making excuses for myself. deep down i know the stereotype isn't true and doesn't apply to this situation...that there are a lot of things contributing to me not being able to concentrate and not having enough motivation to study 24/7... but i'm just so tired. because those reasons/excuses aren't getting me better grades.

I had to break up with tim. and keep it that way. because I need to get to know myself better, what I want my life to look like, what role i want faith to play in my life, and then eventually figure out what kind of a relationship I want. however, i lost love. security. support. comfort. i lost love... and thats how liz functions. on love. feeling loved. having that love as comfort at the end of a hard day.

4 weeks left. of this semester. 4 weeks left to redeem myself. i need a miracle.