He's not going anywhere. Tim or God.

I feel like I'm in between seasons right now. Though technically I'm still in the "semester from hell" season [it's not over until Dec. 12], but my brain and heart are telling me otherwise. It's been raining all day and I've been alone for 2 days so maybe that has something to do with it too but I've been feeling sad. And having growing pains. I went home for Thanksgiving dinner and had a pretty intense conversation about theology (specifically, Monergism) with my sister and her fiance, Jose. And I have not been the same since. I've obviously had conversations about theology before. And for the past year or so, I've been able to dodge them or leave unaffected, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head now. Jose suggested http://www.monergism.com I've been there twice so far and have been so overwhelmed each time, I've decided never to go back there again until this semester is over for good because I need time to process everything.

About 3 weeks ago, things got weird again with Tim and I. Everyone should just accept it as FACT, that women have this intuitive sense when it comes to relationships, and that they just know when relationships are about to change or when something is off/wrong. So that being said, I can continue. He was being distant and chose not to spend a day with me for fear of getting into an argument -> this EQUALS tim having doubts and needing space. I told him that this is what he was doing and needed, just how he did around the same time last year. He denied it blah blah, and then in the end, I was right. So boo ya. Now that we are all believers in a woman's intuition, I can continue on with my story. So things got weird with Tim and I and my feeling is that we're not OK. We aren't broken up, but we are not OK. This happens in a relationship, this is normal... I just don't like that he tries to put on this front for me like everything is OK [when it's clearly not] and I wish he would just be honest with me instead of always trying to "calm me down" by acting like everything is fine. Let me tell you something, I freak out because I sense dishonesty - just not the whole truth. The not knowing is what I don't like. Why won't he just get that? I know things aren't OK...he's dealing with independence, his future, fulfillment..self-actualization. Friendships. And then me. Who's so busy we can never really spend legit time together. Who's stressed all the time and becomes super-sensitive. I know it wears on him... And i know it does because he's been super bf since the moment I started the program back in May. And I never gave him a break or cut him some slack. But it was seeing him under these conditions that I saw what a strong and responsible man he had turned into from the insecure 15 year old I met my first day of high school. It was this year that I saw him as the husband I'd like to be with for the rest of my life...

And he's closed off right now. Not completely but he's there. He's dealing with a lot. And I hate, repeat hate, one thing that all men do: they don't share. They don't share details about their day, they don't share complete thoughts...and especially when they're not OK, they don't share very much at all. Suffering from a lack of healing from last year, I'm insecure about our relationship. But just recently [as in 2 days ago], it all of a sudden clicked. He's not going anywhere but he's still young, and has a lot of figuring out to do for himself and about his life and about his future - and just about growing into himself. And sometimes it has nothing to do with me. Other times, it does... how much I empower him as a man in the relationship, how much I listen to him [or don't, as in most cases...], and also how secure I myself come off in the relationship... the moment he seems like he's having doubts about us - I freak. Yet, I do it all the time. I've been doing it. Geez from day 1. of our friendship! Don't even get me started about when we started dating. But he's not going anywhere. And I wish I could be strong enough to be the woman he wants me to be...

So us not being OK has brought up some things I've never really healed from or dealt with. And talking with Jose and Dee brought up the whole faith thing...but also, Dee mentioned this book she was reading to prepare hersel to be a good wife to Jose when they get married. And I immediately thought of all the ways I've changed that Tim didn't know he was in store for when we first started dating. He fell in love with the conservative Liz...and had been in love with her for quite some time...then when we started dating a lot of things happened in my life that changed me and then changed who I was in the relationship. So I realize I'm not the best picture of what a gf [or a wife] should be. And I'm thinking, if I was, we wouldn't have more than half the problems Tim and I have. And then my dad sent me an email earlier this week about how "even though he doesn't let on, he's been really sad for the past few years as to how i've changed" because I'm not active in church, etc. And my mom mentioned (twice) how I should go to church because God will help me with school.

Now, I didn't decide to work on my faith again because "God will help me with school". [i know God won't - HA] But whether I want to figure out what I believe or not, faith has been an integral part of my existance. I've known about faith for as long as I can remember. It was like wake up, hi God, brush your teeth, watch disney movies [i want a love story like that God] and play house with my sister [thank you for letting me win that game against her God], brush your teeth, good night God. He was like part of my family, there weren't 6 of us, there were 7. The way I knew him [or her] was wrong. And thats why my faith fell apart. I don't know who I'd be without faith...well, me right now, which is pretty ugly...I'm a mess :( I had established that my purpose was to learn God [or supreme being, whatever you want to call him/her] ... and i've gone from thinking God doesn't exist to considering maybe there's a little God for everything... so I really had no idea where to start. But, I've started with reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. A chapter a day. I love it so far, I feel like he's writing a biography about me. The chapter I read today ended with him saying to God, "You don't exist". So you see, it's pretty fitting.

So all of this Tim and I not being OK thing has lead me to these goals:
1. Faith
2. Deal with and heal from my broken relationship with my family
3. The awful year tim and I had last year
4. The fact that we're having issues right now [even though i'm telling myself it's a good thing, I still suffer from the "happily ever after" lie disney fed me and aren't ok with it all the time :(]
5. Growing into my skin now that I'm independent from my parents and not under their roof

So, this has been a positive thing. A nice little shake from complacency. Which relationships should be -well I think so.

And thats what my week long thanksgiving break has left me with. And it ends at midnight tonight. Good news is, I don't have my exam tomorrow until 3pm. Besides that, refer to the schedule I provided in my first entry and you'll see what these next two weeks will look like for me. tata

*besos*

GI Exam

Bad news: 74.

Good news: i'm on thanksgiving break even though i still have class until friday.

:) and :(

i feel both.

Tired and alone...

I'm tired and I can't concentrate and I can't think straight and I have an exam tomorrow and I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and it looks like the same thing's gonna happen tonight and I'm so tired and I have no motivation and I don't know what to do and I don't know how to do it and i have no confidence in my methods and i'm started to lose confidence in my abilities and i'm lonely and i'm alone and feel alone and i'm so tired my eyes just get watery but i can't cry, the tears won't come, they won't flow and i think my body knows that it's not time yet and it won't let me because right now i love me more than i feel anybody else does and so it's being my best friend and holding me up.

i knew this is what it would be like and i was dreading it and i walked in here like a person being led to a big tub of boiling oil which they're supposed to get into. i knew it would be this bad but i hoped it wouldn't be but i knew it would and i was freaking out. and here i am, at the worst it's ever going to get (so i hear) and I knew it would be this way yet it's nothing like I imagined because you can't imagine this you see, if you've never experienced anything like it before. i've experienced the emotions just not in the same intensity or in the same combinations and it's all new yet not surprising. i'm just so tired.

I used to be a straight A student

76 on that Micro exam I had today. Now on to study for the GI exam I have tomorrow.

I'm in class right now and the professor started out with reading from the book, "The Little Engine That Could". And i don't remember much of what she said, as my memory brain cells are engorged with information and cannot take in anymore, but she did say this, "an F has never gotten anyone kicked out of the program". And thats all I needed to hear.

It's awful but I don't care that I got a 76. And I don't care that I got a 68 [editor's note: I found out later I got a 70 not a 68] on the cardiology exam last friday. Or that I got a 74 on the endocrine exam last thursday.

or maybe i'm so tired and exhausted and burnt out that I can't care because if I did, I would have a mental break down. So i'm just going. and going. hoping to make it until wednesday. and then hoping to make it until december 12th. i'm strong, and i'm a survivor - I believe it. And despite the 76 and the 68 and the 74, I'm proud of myself. I think I'll make a great PA. I just wish my grades showed it. Theres nothing I can do about it now. Hopefully my good grades from earlier in the semester can bring me over that 83 average i'm supposed to go for.

"an 83 gets you a degree"

So on to studying for GI.

The Disney Channel and Shiraz won't help me pass

This is my first time inside QU's law library. Because I need a change of scenery. Because I won't study in my apartment right now even if you paid me. I've studied there too much lately. And I'll probably just end up watching the Disney Channel eating pistachios and drinking the Shiraz I have on my nightstand in one of the new wine glasses I bought this past weekend... and I can't get less than an 83 on any exams. So no disney channel, and no shiraz I say! So here's the schedule:

Micro Exam - 8am tomorrow
Class until 4:30pm
Micro presentation - 10am on Wednesday
GI Exam - 1:30pm on Wednesday
Class until 9pm - [Drink Shiraz and watch the Disney Channel]
Thursday - class until 4pm - Tim's Birthday on Thursday!! :)
Hx and PE write up due for my preclinical on Friday 8am
Class until 3pm

Thanksgiving break (a week long) = study for the next 2 weeks of death, eat turkey, study for the next 2 weeks of death

December 1 - Micro lab Final
December 3 - GU exam
December 4 - Physical Diagnosis Exam and Geriatrics Presentation
Weekend of death.
December 8 - Pharm exam
December 9 - Micro exam
December 10 - Neuro exam
December 11 - Heme/Oncology Exam
December 12 - last preclinical of the year

CHRISTMAS VACATION FOR 5 WEEKS !!

Alright. Lets begin.

[editor's note: Encouraging text messages and comments on facebook/myspace/blog would be much appreciated, thank you :)]