Thoughts on the medical field

I don't have the time to write this entry. But when do I really, since I could always be doing something to increase my fund of knowledge about medicine. So, I'll write today anyway.

Where do I start? I have thoughts on the medicine field as far as doctor vs. physician assistant, the specific rotations I've been in and currently am in, how PA school has affected my life, how the program I chose has affected my life...and then theres the current state of my soul/heart.

I'm currently in my surgery rotation. The way that a teaching hospital works is that there are attendings - doctors that are no longer being taught, evaluated, and graded by a school. Residents - 2nd year, 3rd year, 4th year, and 5th year doctors that are. And interns - doctors that just got there MD, and do all of the dirty work for the residents and attendings such as write all the notes, carry the pager and answer all of the inquiries/sugggestions of the nurses. And then there are medical students. Normal joes and janes who are in grad school trying to get the MD. so they're pretty much like PA students. Except they got 2 years of desk teaching while we only got 1. Regardless, med students are above pa students. And here's the kicker:

Actual PA's, the ones that have been working in the field for at LEAST 5 years, still stand below those residents and *drum roll please* - below the intern! *gasp*

I see how these "Students" (cuz thats what they are) talk down to my preceptors who have been working in the field longer than these people have been in SCHOOL, they've seen more, experienced more, and still they're treated like wanna be's. My preceptor's neice is deciding between PA school and Med school and he is pushing her to go to Med school because of his 18 years of experience of "never being part of the group" cuz he didn't have an MD after his name. And this breaks my heart. Because i DON'T want to be a doctor, I really don't, I would never willingly put myself through that unhealthy lifestyle for 8 years!! I'm struggling enough as it is in my 2 year program - holy crap you'd have to institutionalize me!! Geez. But I have to accept that this is the dynamic I'm going into if I decide to work at a hospital. (I don't plan to work at a hospital, but I'm sure this dynamic occurs at small practices as well, it really depends on my supervising physician) It's also tough to see. These little chitlins being rude to "my people". Lately I've been giving my 4th year resident attitude cuz he can be a legit ass sometimes. I realized he finds me attractive and have used it for my personal gain - to humble his little butt. lol I crack myself up.

Anyways. thats another thing. Remember sweet, innocent, quiet, super nice little liz? (maybe u don't...wouldn't blame u) Well, she no longer exists apparently! Holy wow, I have made my inner self's jaw drop a few times. for some reason I've decided to just voice every and any thought in my head (which is usually a sarcastic, criticizing one) no matter who the listener is or who it's directed at. Even if it's my preceptor or one of the attending surgeons! I actually got an "as a student, you should hide when u think a task is stupid or unnecessary, you should do what we ask u to, it is for your learning benefit" on my mid-rotation evaluation. Ok, they're right, but see here's my reasoning. I AM TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. And maybe this comes from the kind of year I had last year (personally), but I don't want to be used, or treated like crap, or seen as naive. There it is. I don't want to be seen as naive.

And that comes from the ways that my PA program has treated me. And I'm tired of it. But there's nothing I can do about it. So maybe in places that I can do something about it, I take the ooportunity. Like with the residents I work with or snotty surgeons... and sometimes mean preceptors. But the way the program has wronged me is for another day. That is all for today. Buenos dias amigos. Vaya con Dios.

Relient K - Let it all out

This is my heart right now..

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Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light