P.A. Student

I'm a PA-C!

2010-10-31T17:02:00.004-04:00

edit: I wrote and saved this post almost 2 months ago and completely forgot about it. But alas, it is here! Taddaaaaaa
------------------------------------------------
Took the PANCE. Passed the PANCE. I am now a certified PA :) It's oveeeerrrrrr!!!!!

I am thinking more about starting another blog. Things are kind of hectic right now as far as my schedule goes. I feel that if I start one I just wouldn't write in it very often again - so whats the point? I've got some ideas brewing though. As soon as I start one, I'll post the link here. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your support!!

Love,

Liz

Time for a new blog?

2010-10-09T12:15:00.002-04:00

So. the PA student is no longer a student. What will I write about now?! Being a PA? Sounds lame and boring though I am easily amused and am sure I could share amusing stories. But alas, it is probably illegal.

So. I'm done with that program. with that school. with those people. I passed the last remaining assignments - and with flying colors. I gave them an academic version of the finger.

So. Instead of a PA-S, I am right now just a PA, studying to be a PA-C, coming this friday. The PANCE is friday. I could push it back at no cost. But alas I feel like I'll be ready to kick that puppy's ass and get that concrete "C" after my name. We shall see, but I'm feeling pretty good about it so far.

The next, and last post, will be when I receive word of passing the exam (or dare I say not passing..). It shall be a great post :)

I definitely want to continue blogging. I'd probably actually write more with the new blog as I definitely won't be busy. So I could open it up to you my readers (if there are any of you left) to give me suggestions. What would you like to read about that I could write about, hm? Let me know ;-)

DONE - for REAL!

2010-10-02T21:14:00.001-04:00

I'm done with PA school!! Foreveeeeer!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!

Employed!

2010-08-26T10:49:00.002-04:00

Oh snap, forgot to let y'all know: no longer looking for a job cuz this lil lady GOT THE JOB!! (The one i was talking bout in my last post) I have been hired as their new Emergency Room PA. Boo ya. And the offer was very nice - yay money cuz i'm so poor and a MILLION dollars in debt.

Now back to packing - I move tomorrow!

The first ending

2010-08-15T12:45:00.002-04:00

I passed the practical with an 85 (well over the 65 I was aiming for!). And I graduated yesterday. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! :) I'm ECSTATIC.

I never thought I'd get here. The last couple of days have just been amazing. I got to see my parents since they moved to California. And living the day without the stress of feeling like I should be studying - feels amazing.

I do have a clinical rotation to do for 4 weeks (Aug 30 - Sept 24), a 5pg paper and an 50 question exam, but I am so not worried about those things. The worst is over. I completed and passed the hardest 2 years of PA school. The biggest challenge is to pass the boards (aka PANCE) which I plan on taking early-mid October. And then I will be a certified Physician Assistant. *does a lil dance*

Oh, and I also need to get a job. Although I've been applying and interviewing like crazy and some employers say oh yeah you're my favorite you're totally in...I still have not heard from them. So. on to the next one.

I'm currently sitting at starbucks, not studying, catching up on fb, twitter, blogs, etc. It feels so good.

So this is my update for now. Hey, maybe I'll post twice in one day (gasp). Later ;-)

Aaaahhhhh

2010-08-11T18:27:00.002-04:00

I passed the 3 exams I took last friday.

The practical is tomorrow. Studying with a fellow student tonight cuz we're gonna kiss ass.

Banquet (aka PA school PROM) tomorrow night. Getting my hair and nails did cuz I didn't for my senior prom (boo but yaaaaay). The manfriend is going and he's a shirt and tie that matches my dress. i'll try and show a picture of it. if not, i'll just post a picture of me in it from the banquet in a later post ;-)

1 assignment stands between me and graduation. [that does not include the rotation I have to do in september and the paper and test i have to take after that but STILL this is SOMETHING!]

k laterz

Do not feel defeated

2010-08-08T23:50:00.002-04:00

I haven't heard back about the exams I took friday. But. After alternating between panic attacks and serenity this weekend, I've come to this conclusion:

Don't give up, you've come too far.

That's for me, regardless of what happens. And hopefully you can use that too.

good night. <3

Wasted wednesday

2010-08-05T09:54:00.003-04:00

K fine, so I didn't write yesterday. Ima write TWICE today to make up for it :-P

Yesterday was a busy busy day. Putting together and mailing a bff's birthday package. Prepping for the presentation my group had to give. Let me just say I didn't start studying until after dinner at 9pm. I studied for a couple of hours while drinking beer with the manfriend (well he had Guinness) and then got into an intense discussion bout an insecurity I've had for sometime (1. i pick the worst times to bring stuff up. 2. that is a story for another post 3. i realize now maybe the drinking had something to do with it...), he went home, i called him, had it out on the phone for 30 minutes, made up, and then I laid in bed for an hour unable to fall asleep. I've been having difficulty falling asleep lately. I'm sure it's because I'm stressed...because I have a lot of things to do and not enough time to do it. It would make sense that my body would try and keep me up so I could "get it all done". Silly body. Stop it, thank you.

So i'm bummed about yesterday. Because I only had to be at school for about an hour in a half, prep for it for another hour in a half, and I still, ALL DAY, got only 2 hours of studying done.

So if you're the judge, based on the fact that I wasted my Wednesday and only studied for 2 hours, 2 days before the exams, you could fail me solely based on that fact.

So now Ima sit in class and go over questions. Class 9am-4pm. Shoot me. lataaahs

Guardian Angel

2010-08-03T20:21:00.002-04:00

To be honest, I've been freaking out the last 2 days. Thinking while I've been sleeping. Yah, that bad.

Deep down I had been feeling like I was just gonna fail these exams and the practical. I studied hard for exams and the practical and failed them anyway. I'm so used to getting that email saying,

"Liz,

Unfortunately you failed the Ass component of the comp with a 32.6%. blah blah blah blah remediate on Thursday, August 7, 2036. blah blah blah study harder blah blah blah you suck blah blah blah your children suck blah blah blah your grandchildren suck blah blah blah.

God Bless,
Satan."

This is an issue because - do not underestimate the power of positive and/or negative thinking. I have to be positive in order to pass this stuff. I just know it. And that positivity was so not there.

I decided to stop by my advisor's office. This lady has just been a God send during PA school. Has always believed in me, shows favoritism towards me, special treatment - always stood up for me during every single ASP meeting (total of 5 meetings, thats a lot). While everyone was saying Liz maybe you're not cut out for PA school, you're gonna be a shitty PA - this prof was there saying Liz has shown me she has the knowledge and the heart to do it and she's put forth the effort to do well. "I believe in you Liz, you know this stuff, stop doubting yourself and getting nervous during the exams and practical and just get it done. You can do this, I believe in you." It is literally this lady that helped me pull A's out of my ass all the last month of the spring semester of the first year to be able to go on to the second year.

So I sat in her office. Just said, "I was wondering if you could go over with me what I did wrong during the practical to kind of help steer my studying for it?" And this lady pulled out my practical packet, and my grade for each station, wrote down what stations I did worst in and told me what I missed. An hour prior to this interaction, a classmate of mine had just finished bitching about her because she went up there to ask her for some pointers and all she gave her was "Look at such and such a book and you'll be fine". But there she was, took a whole 20 minutes of her time to go over this stuff with me. And let me tell you people - thats exactly what I needed. For ONE faculty member of that stupid program to show an ounce of heart to redeem them in my eyes, to show me that what I was doing was because of a DECENT group of people. Not cuz they're assholes toying with me like a marionette! It is common knowledge that they hate our class; a few people are disrespectful and they generalize the image to us all and treat us like shit. Ask any one of us - we'll tell you.

So. I got my positivity back. :) I sat there as she quizzed me on what I had missed and I clearly knew all of it - stupid nerves! It was good to hear myself answer her questions [correctly]. I showed myself that I do know this stuff. I can do this. Believe in yourself, you got this.

Now, pray for me. hehe.

Panic

2010-08-02T16:42:00.004-04:00

I just need to make a list to prevent a panic attack from coming on.

1. the fact that i have to retake exams and a practical that i studied hard to pass the first time around.
2. being scared i wont pass the retakes since i studied just as hard and didn't pass them the first time around.
3. classmate got a job I interviewed for and nobody bothered to even let me know they had gone with "someone else"
4. the only offer I've gotten is half way across the country.
5. it feels like everyone has gotten at least one offer where they want to work at/in.
6. everyone is celebrating saying they'll be done aug. 14 and i won't be. i have another whole month left.
7. people have gotten 2 or 3 offers and I've had 4 interviews and have only gotten 1 offer.

Ok now that I got that out and cried over it. On to the positives.

1. My Yale interview went really well and theres a big chance they might make me an offer for the ED.
2. I have a loving, understanding, HOT, and fun boyfriend who cooks for me bcuz I don't have enough time to and has enough money saved to cover me for when I move, do not have an income until credentialing goes through, and to pay for the PANCE. No he's never been married nor does he have any kids. Yes, he is a God send after 2 years of hell.
3. I sold my tv stand this morning. It's one piece of furniture off my hands to make the move easy. And I made $15.
4. I've sold 6 books on amazon.com and made $170 which allowed me to have enough to cover rent + utilities for August.
5. I've lost 11 pounds since I turned 25. I'm 4 pounds away from my goal for graduation. Ultimate goal is to lose another 15 pounds after that so that I will be at the healthy and ideal weight for my height and ethnicity.
6. Took a 21 question exam on the pediatric cardiovascular system and didn't do as bad as I thought I would. Meaning, studying for these 3 exams on friday isn't impossible. I told myself that all I can do is work hard study hard, perform well while I'm taking the exams (as far as controlling text-anxiety, etc) and thats the most that could be expected of Liz Ortiz. ya know?

*sigh* So the positives make me feel better. I need to forget about the people around me. Ignore them. I graduate a month later because I took a month off while everyone was still working their ass off. This is only fair. Regardless, this is my life and I make of it what I want. I am the main character, this story is about me. God has given me gifts and strengths and I was born with/developed weaknesses. But that is life. So live it, liz.

Countdown begins

2010-08-01T20:09:00.004-04:00

I'm seriously considering making one of those chains out of construction paper that kids make in school when they're counting down to Christmas or something. If I do it, I promise I'll post a picture.

So the white coat ceremony is August 14th.
Practical August 12th.
3 exams August 6th.

The nasty part of it will end August 14th. THEN, I just have a 4 week rotation (because of the "vacation" I took in March/April). A 5pg paper and exam at the end of that.

The official end ladies and gentlemen is:
SEPTEMBER 24th

So, that means 2 construction paper chains. :o) As I am counting down to 2 things. Well, that's not counting the date when I'm taking the national exam, the PANCE, but the date for that hasn't been decided by mua and is a story for another post another day.

God willing everything go right on the exams, the practical, and the paper - September 24th WILL be the end of PA school my friends. Can you believe it?? I sure can't.

Work hard, Liz, work hard. Until then, I will be a hermit. Just so you know. But, I'm going to write in here everyday to keep myself sane.

i see the light

2010-06-30T18:46:00.003-04:00

made the mistake of posting on fricken FACEBOOK that i got 3 interviews. now everyone in my class knows about it. and people have started to ask, "o o o where are they?" blah blah.

i don't like people knowing my business. especially my classmates. all except for 1 or 2 are selfish/self-centered bastards that showed me no kindness or even an ounce of friendship during the last 2+ years. That being said, I don't even want their jealousy.

Also, I don't want to jinx myself by having so many people know about my interviews. I am superstitious like that.

anyways. so yeah. i'm not failing out of pa school anymore and i have 3 interviews :p

boo ya.

Cannot believe I've gotten this far...

2010-05-17T18:19:00.000-04:00

I'm a 3rd year PA Student!!!!

and I AM graduating.

3 months baby.*smooch*

I will survive

2010-04-11T14:53:00.002-04:00

So technically it was only one night of alcohol, and I couldn't even down the 2nd shot of tequila. So, total was one shot of tequila and then a sex on the beach. Given my low tolerance, I had a nice buzz goin.

So I'm feeling better. I won't have to go to ASP again. I'll probably just have to retake the exam, it won't set me back as far as having to graduate later. Unless they really want me to.. so it all depends on this meeting on friday.

PA conference started today; it's a 4 day thing. Gonna meet my PA boyfriend there tonight :) He's been helping me study and I hate when he says "I am so glad I have my license and am done with this program sh*t" - bcuz I'm not done yet and don't have my license! But seeing him and hearing his stories bout patients everyday helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel and know theres a great life after PA school - can't wait to get there!

So one week left of my "suspension". Things on the list:

1. Finish medicine paper (UGH)
2. Study in preparation to retake Internal Medicine exam.
3. Update resume to start applying for jobs (listen fools, I know you're secretly snickering "psh if she even makes it!")
3. Actually put away a month's worth of laundry.
4. Do 3 weeks worth of laundry; make sure I put THOSE away.
5. Clean room!

That is all. For today: wash sheets, mani!, bank, pack, make a dent in putting clothes away.

no such thing as luck.

2010-04-09T18:42:00.002-04:00

it wasn't one exam. it was 2. failed one. passed the other. meeting on friday to discuss remediation.

i. hate. PA. school.

theme of the weekend: alcohol.

Can't wait till it's not about the grades

2010-04-08T14:55:00.003-04:00

If I managed my time better and actually stuck to schedules I set for myself, I'd say I'd be able to calmly type out my thoughts on this blog just about every single day. But, since I do not,I end up writing once a month...or the day before an exam when I should be studying. ...as is the case today. ha.

Yes, i'm still in the program. Surprise surprise. I haven't failed miserably quite yet. Though if I do not pass this 100-150 multiple choice question exam focusing on Surgery and Internal Medicine tomorrow. That will lead to me to being in the class of 2011 and not of 2010. So that being said. I had 3 weeks undisturbed to study for it. I studied for at least an hour or two a day, sometimes 3-4 hours and have studied for 5-6 hours everyday this week. Today is my last day to cover topics I haven't looked at. And hope that if theres a question on one of those topics, I choose correctly. The goal is to get at least a 70% on this exam. And I believe it is feasible. If it's a fair exam. I'm not that stupid that I would get less than the 70%. However, if they choose mostly crappy obscure questions, well then odds are against me. And I'm not sure I would want to stay in this PA program and deal with it for another year. Maybe I'd drop out, strip for a couple years to pay off my loans, and then go to school for performing arts or just art. And my well to do husband will support me until I become a successful artist (or maybe writer?). While we live in northern california with our chocolate lab, Lindt...

Hm. We'll see.

Hasta luego.

Thoughts on the medical field

2010-01-31T13:18:00.006-05:00

I don't have the time to write this entry. But when do I really, since I could always be doing something to increase my fund of knowledge about medicine. So, I'll write today anyway.

Where do I start? I have thoughts on the medicine field as far as doctor vs. physician assistant, the specific rotations I've been in and currently am in, how PA school has affected my life, how the program I chose has affected my life...and then theres the current state of my soul/heart.

I'm currently in my surgery rotation. The way that a teaching hospital works is that there are attendings - doctors that are no longer being taught, evaluated, and graded by a school. Residents - 2nd year, 3rd year, 4th year, and 5th year doctors that are. And interns - doctors that just got there MD, and do all of the dirty work for the residents and attendings such as write all the notes, carry the pager and answer all of the inquiries/sugggestions of the nurses. And then there are medical students. Normal joes and janes who are in grad school trying to get the MD. so they're pretty much like PA students. Except they got 2 years of desk teaching while we only got 1. Regardless, med students are above pa students. And here's the kicker:

Actual PA's, the ones that have been working in the field for at LEAST 5 years, still stand below those residents and *drum roll please* - below the intern! *gasp*

I see how these "Students" (cuz thats what they are) talk down to my preceptors who have been working in the field longer than these people have been in SCHOOL, they've seen more, experienced more, and still they're treated like wanna be's. My preceptor's neice is deciding between PA school and Med school and he is pushing her to go to Med school because of his 18 years of experience of "never being part of the group" cuz he didn't have an MD after his name. And this breaks my heart. Because i DON'T want to be a doctor, I really don't, I would never willingly put myself through that unhealthy lifestyle for 8 years!! I'm struggling enough as it is in my 2 year program - holy crap you'd have to institutionalize me!! Geez. But I have to accept that this is the dynamic I'm going into if I decide to work at a hospital. (I don't plan to work at a hospital, but I'm sure this dynamic occurs at small practices as well, it really depends on my supervising physician) It's also tough to see. These little chitlins being rude to "my people". Lately I've been giving my 4th year resident attitude cuz he can be a legit ass sometimes. I realized he finds me attractive and have used it for my personal gain - to humble his little butt. lol I crack myself up.

Anyways. thats another thing. Remember sweet, innocent, quiet, super nice little liz? (maybe u don't...wouldn't blame u) Well, she no longer exists apparently! Holy wow, I have made my inner self's jaw drop a few times. for some reason I've decided to just voice every and any thought in my head (which is usually a sarcastic, criticizing one) no matter who the listener is or who it's directed at. Even if it's my preceptor or one of the attending surgeons! I actually got an "as a student, you should hide when u think a task is stupid or unnecessary, you should do what we ask u to, it is for your learning benefit" on my mid-rotation evaluation. Ok, they're right, but see here's my reasoning. I AM TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. And maybe this comes from the kind of year I had last year (personally), but I don't want to be used, or treated like crap, or seen as naive. There it is. I don't want to be seen as naive.

And that comes from the ways that my PA program has treated me. And I'm tired of it. But there's nothing I can do about it. So maybe in places that I can do something about it, I take the ooportunity. Like with the residents I work with or snotty surgeons... and sometimes mean preceptors. But the way the program has wronged me is for another day. That is all for today. Buenos dias amigos. Vaya con Dios.

Relient K - Let it all out

2010-01-07T12:07:00.001-05:00

This is my heart right now..

----------------------

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

Stress

2009-12-02T20:31:00.004-05:00

Not feeling so hot. This rotation is kicking my ass as far as making the whole lack of sleep thing a huuuuge issue. I feel physically ill right now and I know it's only cuz I only got three in a half hours of sleep.

It's taken me 3 days to get one task done. One. My motivation has gone out the window.

Cuz I'm stressed. About this paper thats due 3 days before my exam. An exam I have to pass or I might get suspended for the year... they've already suspended another student. He has to sit out the rest of the year and restart clinical year with the following year's class. That's scary as [crap].

But I have no motivation to do what I have to do to get it done!

Cuz I'm tired. Cuz I feel hungover I'm so tired. And when I feel that way I get super sensitive and the smallest things affect me and I start thinking crazy.

Solution: go to bed right now liz.

And I'm on call tomorrow. :(

The vague entry

2009-11-25T22:14:00.004-05:00

It's about time I updated this thing.

I realize that I never explained my "crazy comeback" that got me into 2nd year. But I made it. I scored in the 90's on most of the exams and got above an 83 on all of them. Exams that were back to back! At the time I remember acknowledging, "this is such a God thing". That didn't stop me going down the path I took this summer though...

Regardless, summer is over. fall has come and soon will go. And I established my new beginning. I haven't necessarily backslid as far as steps I've taken...but definitely in things I've thought about and states of mind I've had. I've learned so much about myself though. And honestly, that was exactly what I set out to do this year...know myself...decide who it is I want to be...but acknowledge and embrace who I am right now.

i know what i want. i'm picky. but my emotions make me fickle.
i'm picky when it comes to men. but my emotions confound my once clearcut criteria. so i fall. then wake up picky again.
i sabotage possible relationships for one reason or another...haven't quite put my finger on it yet.
i have an outrageous need for affection and physical presence.
i need time alone to re-energize.
i can't read people as well as I thought i did.
i am sinful - growing up in a "be righteous or u won't go to heaven" environment, I was pretty good at doing what was right, so I never really got to know my dark side thus not really believing it existed.
i have a dark side.
i'm mostly attracted to this type of men -> "lets hang out...but I'm not really looking for a gf"
and the "I'm 25, 6'4, play basketball, HOT, and may or may not have a college degree and don't have any plans for my future. oh and I'm not cultured"
that means i'm not gonna be married before 30 lol
and last but not least, i believe in God. just don't know how to love him again...

Things are going well in rotations. I've passed every exam so far and gotten awesome evaluations from my preceptors. I am currently doing Internal Med which I lovingly like to call the "I don't know shit" rotation. Cuz it is on a daily basis (multiple times a day) that I am reminded of that. when a patient is laying in front of me comatose and his ammonia level is through the roof and I have no effing clue how I could have avoided that and don't know what the frick Lactulose's mechanism of action is... yeah. Feel free to fill me in. Anyways.

My roomie alicia has her rotation in NH this time so I'm all alone in my apt for 6 weeks :( Not good for the "liz cannot be alone for long periods of time" thing. However, it's only been a week in a half and I actually kinda love it :P Walking out of my room naked if I'm too lazy to cover up is kinda fun, not gonna lie.

September count for boys: 4 (trust me, learned my lesson)
November count for boys: 1 :) date this weekend. This one falls under the second one of the categories I listed above.. ugh. but I'm trying not to assume. we'll see.

So thats me. Hope things only get better from here...

october 11th 1:21 am

2009-10-11T01:16:00.003-04:00

alone.
lonely.
tired.
unhappy.

unhappy for 3 years. that's a long time. I'm angry. because i've been unhappy. i yell at drivers on the road. i yell sarcastic things in my head at people who do ridiculous things and sometimes not so ridiculous things. i guess i'm crazy now.

i've been unhappy for 3 years. unhappy about different things over the 3 years. the one i'm angry about now I guess, is that i'm alone. because, i guess, i'm lonely.

on a good note, i've passed all of my exams so far during clinical year. tada. i'm gonna be a kick ass PA, boo ya.

good night world.

It's me again

2009-08-12T20:48:00.002-04:00

Well it's been a while since I updated, and a couple of people I know just started blogging and I figure I should probably write in mine too.

I should be studying right now.

As always.

But just a quick update. Passed my first clinical rotation exam. The 2nd one is friday. As is my sister's rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Saturday she gets married! The bad news is I feel like I'm gonna fail this exam and I keep procrastinating because it's too much material and realistically speaking I will never memorize all of it. However, staying away from it completely isn't gonna help me either...

Anyways. I stuck to it. My plan for staying away from those boys. But it left me feeling empty. For a while, this rotation kept me distracted. For now it's this exam. But whats gonna happen when I see my little sister walking down the aisle towards the man of her dreams and leave for their honeymoon and their happily ever after? I'm not sure... I guess we'll see.

Back to studying.

isn't being in the hospital supposed to make you NOT sick?

2009-06-22T23:24:00.006-04:00

bad news: pregnant lady came in last week complaining of right lower quadrant pain that radiated to her back. uti/pyelonephritis we all thought, possible appendicitis? Wrong. The Swine Flu. = Liz has been exposed.

good news: it's been over a week and still no symptoms for me :)

how long is the incubation period again??

bad news #2: pregnant lady came in, delivered normally, discharged with no complications. Positive for Scabies AFTER the fact = Liz has been exposed.

good news: Haven't been itchy at all since the exposure.

I hope I didn't just jinx myself. *knocks on wood*

you know you love me, x o x o

2009-06-21T23:20:00.004-04:00

"Lonely[girl] spotted at the ob/gyn floor in bridgeport...."

Hehe, gotta love gossip girl. Anyways, clinicals are going well. I've done about 9 c-sections, and helped deliver one baby naturally. It was uh-mazing. And I will never have kids, no sir.

However, a big, big difference between this new academic year and the last is that..drum roll please..i have free time. And while this was nice the first week or so, I've been struggling now. I can stay busy most week nights, but once friday and saturday hit - I'm a mess. I'm able to keep this focused mindset for about 3 days, thursday it starts to waver, and friday i work hard to be strong up until 10 or 11pm and then craaaash. And saturday ends up being worse. I've been defined lately by my fickleness. I choose to think/feel a certain way and then days later (sometimes even HOURS) different feelings or thoughts come up. It's like I can't stick to something. It's become so bad that I'm considering either buying a Joyce Meyer book or joining match.com. The joyce meyer book because she seems to know how to make women shut up and get a hold of their emotions, and match.com cuz it'll keep me busy and give me something to do.

i just want to stick to one thing. i truly believe I don't need to be with anyone and then out of nowhere it gets hard to breathe and there I am feeling sorry for myself. why can't I just be OK with my decisions? of not being with tim, of never seeing ricot again? of focusing on SCHOOL, and studying on a friday night instead of wanting to be hanging out with someone? why can't i just be happy/content? it's moments like this where i wish i didn't have free will. God, just MAKE me do it please. thx. [i hope he listens]

that is all for now folks. i'm sure i will write another post soon on how i screwed up again. 8-6 on the labor/delivery floor awaits... buenas noches

I made it

2009-05-11T23:50:00.001-04:00

I got a 3.0.

I can't believe it.

I am now officially a 2nd year PA student...

details on my CRAZY come back later.

2009-04-23T15:38:00.000-04:00

Surgery exam: 86. :)

I'm really gonna make it
Feels good :)

I can do this

2009-04-21T15:19:00.002-04:00

Got bad news. From both the orthopedist surgeon and my advisor. Without going too much into it, I have 4 weeks to be able to bend my knee 120 degrees (I was at 95 degrees on friday), and 3 weeks to bring my GPA up or I'm getting dismissed from the program.

Physical therapy has become more intense. And so has my studying. I have 9 exams left until the end of the semester. Well, 8 now. I had one today. Peds: 90. :)

I can do this.

The beginning of the end

2009-04-15T18:06:00.002-04:00

Pharm: 74

and class right now.

I'm feeling more down about Ricot. and not my grade. thats not good. well, i did have a beer before i came to class. maybe that's masking the feelings? i was pretty upset after we graded the exam. now i don't care anymore. i'm tired. i'm so over it. over all of it. and i'm not liking documenting my failure on this thing. so i might just take a break. boooo :(

I'm losing

2009-04-14T16:13:00.002-04:00

Well chitlins, it's been a while huh.

Surgery exam: 83

Beh Med exam: 81

Ob/gyn exam: 82

Not good enough peoples. For any of those classes. :( I have a pharm exam tomorrow and though I've started figuring out how to study for, don't know how efficient it's gonna be and if i'll do well.

After that ob/gyn exam, it looks like I won't meet my 3.0 gpa for the semester... :( Meaning I'm gonna have to go to ASP again and possibly face being dismissed from the program. So many people keep telling me they won't kick me out because my grades aren't that bad and my personality is great and i'd make a "great PA". Well. I'm meeting with my advisor on thursday. So we'll see then.

But. my fear has come true. the one i had before starting the program. i feared my grades would be continually on the low side, making every exam weigh a ton. barely keeping my head above water. with my back against the wall. crammed into a corner with how strict I have to be with my grades. and here I am. if I could talk to myself the year I applied, I would say, "take a couple more years off liz. you need them. because the things you need to go through in the next couple of years will hinder you from doing your best in school". but i don't have that option anymore so now I have to live with my head barely above water.

for the first time in my life i believe the stereotype. maybe puertoricans really aren't that smart and have to try that much harder. i say this because i gave up making excuses for myself. deep down i know the stereotype isn't true and doesn't apply to this situation...that there are a lot of things contributing to me not being able to concentrate and not having enough motivation to study 24/7... but i'm just so tired. because those reasons/excuses aren't getting me better grades.

I had to break up with tim. and keep it that way. because I need to get to know myself better, what I want my life to look like, what role i want faith to play in my life, and then eventually figure out what kind of a relationship I want. however, i lost love. security. support. comfort. i lost love... and thats how liz functions. on love. feeling loved. having that love as comfort at the end of a hard day.

4 weeks left. of this semester. 4 weeks left to redeem myself. i need a miracle.

Thursday update

2009-03-26T10:36:00.002-04:00

Peds Exam 2: 86

:) staying above that 83.

I'm dead tired though. Only got 2 hours of sleep. And I have a 12 hour class day ahead of me :( On the positive side, my weekend technically starts right now :) I'm taking tonight and friday off. Work begins Saturday. Next exam: Surgery Exam next friday.

My list on what I'm gonna do for the these 2 days (technically only one day) off:
- grocery shopping (yes, immobilizer brace and all)
- oil change? with car wash
- fun shopping - necklace, stuffed animal, possible piercing..hmmm??

I just had ACL surgery 2 weeks ago?? Pish posh, i don't need to walk normally to lead a normal life. :P

Tuesday Update

2009-03-24T15:51:00.003-04:00

History and Roles of PA midterm: 99

Granted, it's a joke of a class but I still had to put the work in. Now onto studying for the Peds exam that I have on thursday. :)

Edit: I broke my no facebook thing for liz's lent lol

Graduating post operation and on to the physical therapy stage

2009-03-22T17:43:00.004-04:00

My parents just left. It's official, I'm on my own post surgery. It's really interesting to see how far I've come. While I was at home, my mom had to help me do everything because I couldn't even lift my leg nor put weight on it. Plus I had to wear a stupid immobilizer brace that got in the way of everything. When we got here on tuesday, I went from that to being able to do everything on my own in only 5 days. I started putting weight on it, with crutches. Then went down to one crutch. Then no crutches with my brace on. And now I have no crutches and no brace. Also, my range of motion for bending my knee was 40 degrees the first day of PT (yes I know thats awful). The 2nd time it was 60 degrees (20 degrees in a day!). Then friday I went all the way to 77 degrees! :) My PT said past 70 degrees is like the goal of week 3 for rehab and I had gone past it in week 1! Boo yaa. I'm not moving normally obviously but I can do things for myself now! And the Radiology technicians taught me a trick to lift my leg on my own (tuck my good leg under it and lift/move it) I move slower than a snail and I'm still really scared to do anything fancy. But I'm doing what my PT tells me to and hopefully that'll be enough to get me to a full recovery. At this point I'm so traumatized I probably won't be able to do a fake out on anybody in basketball EVER but as long as I can run on a treadmill, I'm all set for life.

Well, now I'm forced to move around more to do things, which will be good for my leg. The bad part is that my support system left with them, and about this I am sad :( But I'm a big girl and I CAN DO THIS.

Pharm Exam: 88

:) see?

Now off to study. Two exams this week. Midterm for a stupid history and roles of PA's class on tuesday, then a Pediatrics exam on thursday. Bring it on.

Post Spring Break

2009-03-19T18:41:00.000-04:00

Had ACL surgery March 10th.

Had stitches and dressing removed tuesday. Started Physical Therapy (PT) tuesday.

It's gonna be a long road. And it's gonna get really tough at times.

I'm just happy I get to start putting weight on it now, can shower without having to wrap my knee, and can start walking as I feel comfortable. I'm not going to cheat myself. I want to get back to normal as soon as I can. So I'm gonna make sure I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing.

This is my clean slate. There is the before the surgery and the after the surgery. Before the surgery I failed exams and didn't study when I was supposed to be studying. Now I'm going to put in the time I should be putting in and have to in order to get A's and high B's in order to make up for the 70 somethings I got on the first set of exams in every class. I will get at least a 3.0 GPA this semester. I will get an A or a high B in all of my exams from now on. I know I'm capable of it. There's no reason why I shouldn't. I will.

I'm choosing to do this without Tim.. he offered to stay for a week or come over on weekends. but he's gonna continue wanting what he wants and I'm still going to stick to my decision and he's gonna get cranky and being around him will just be torture rather than help. (He visited me twice this weekend, the first time was fine, the second time was torture because what I just said happened) I've finally come to accept that we just won't be OK unless we distance ourselves for a while. I was trying and hoping to keep the friendship but the truth is that we're just not ready.

I've also given up Facebook for "Liz's Lent" (which began yesterday and ends on Easter). I think this will be good, as I've wasted many hours on that addicting site.

And now I study for the Pharm exam I have tomorrow.

love

2009-03-18T21:44:00.000-04:00

While listening to the new Taylor Swift song, "Love Story", I think of this:

Often in thinking of Tim I think about how much he loves me and wonder if I’ll ever have someone who loves me as much as he did… and no, I mean, yes someone’s gonna love me that much but they’re going to REALLY love me. Without the ups and the downs, without wavering, without inconsistency. That’s how I want to be loved. I want to be wholly loved. Someone can love me better than he did.

On the road to redemption..

2009-03-17T18:52:00.001-04:00

Ob/Gyn Exam 2: 86

Praise the Lord. :)

I hope I get kicked out

2009-02-22T14:29:00.002-05:00

Behavioral Med exam: 78

Ob/Gyn exam: ...63

The space around me swirls and for a second I stop breathing. My world collapses. No I did not pass out. I might as well have.

I've lost all sense of time. I don't even want to figure out when these exams were. I know they were on the same day... k I remember, they were on tuesday of this past week. I'm not in the mood to go into it or talk about it, as I've definitely moved on and am looking ahead and have already dealt with the meaning of it and what I'm supposed to do now. Just thought I needed to document it on my PA school blog. So there you have it.

Happy New Year to me

2009-02-12T10:49:00.003-05:00

I failed it: 74.

But thats ok. I expected to legit fail it, like a 50 or something. And a 74 really isn't that bad for my first exam in the class - I can totally come back from it. I did stay up all night and felt like complete crap the entire next day. But I can come back from this.

Again, the point is that it's over. I didn't study the way i was supposed to, I'm dealing with the consequences - a 77 and a 74. And now I take it day by day and make sure I be a good student day by day. And I have been. I've been more organized, have paid more attention in class and have started making better decisions about my personal life.

Tim and I are talking again. I busted my knee 2 mondays ago playing basketball and flipped out bcuz i was so stressed and it was the last thing i needed. I text messaged him the story while crying hysterically and he called and talked me through it and calmed me down for an hour. It was exactly what I needed. We've been talking here and there since. Mostly just him checking on me and my knee and how i'm doing with school. The issue is gonna come back up again though...him wanting to be with me and my answer still being no and us having to put that distance between us again. I still love him...I just know we aren't supposed to be together right now. maybe even ever. But I don't see how I could not have him in my life. I want to be able to get to the place where we can keep in touch and truly be friends. Because he was my best friend for 7 years before we had started dating...I really don't want to lose him.

Anywho, I'm being a better student, making better decisions for myself..I'd say my New Year's day was on monday when I started legit studying for an exam lol My new year resolutions: Eat healthier. Stay active* (as best I can). Be the best student I can be. Work on Liz.

*My knee: some guy kicked my leg out from under me trying to steal the ball away from me = blood effusion in my knee. My profs think I tore my ACL. I'm praying and hoping it is only a sprain...because I don't want surgery :( And my life is difficult as it is, I really don't need this. I got an MRI yesterday morning and showed it to one of my profs and he said he didn't have much experience in reading MRIs (??) so he didn't give me much information. I go next week to meet my orthopedist so he can give me my diagnosis.

I have a group presentation to give today on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered patients. It's been wicked interesting researching it and doing my part.

Anyways, it's an 8am-9pm day peoples. Adios..

What's everyone doing for Valentine's day? Tell me :) [and i'll tell you...]

I've been a bad student.

2009-02-09T20:34:00.004-05:00

There is nothing I can do about the past. Except do things differently NOW. I can't go back to have studied more for these exams. I just have tonight and the time before the exam. So I'm going to use it wisely.

Yep, exams are back. Have at least one exam every week. I had one today. Have one tomorrow. And I was the worst student in the world up until...this morning I'm gonna say. LOL (but not really) This morning I studied efficiently, I was able to concentrate, and I covered a lot of things. I've had trouble concentrating in the past and staying focused and being motivated at all to study. So I just didn't study.

I got a 77 on the exam. 1st exam of the semester: failed.

I have one tomorrow. I am still in class. Until 9 pm. Then class at 7:30am. How much time does that give me to study? 9-10 hours? With no sleep. That's just what I'm gonna have to do. And I have a feeling I'm gonna fail this one too.

But my point is that I can't go back and change that I didn't study. I'm gonna have to deal with it and work with the
time I have. And then work hard to catch up so I can be the kind of student I want to be and know I can be.

*sigh* there's nothing else you can do liz. just work with the time you have. forgive yourself and work to change and be better.

Meet my new boyfriend

2009-01-28T18:46:00.004-05:00

PA School.

I've decided. I realize why I've been a waste of life for the past week in a half. Because school was not my number 1 priority. My feelings for Tim were. My fun was. My distractions from Tim were. So I've decided. School will be my #1 priority. It has to be. I need to get over this, "I don't want to do it" rut I'm in and just do it until I'm used to it and then I'm on auto pilot focusing on my work, paying attention in class, and studying the way I'm supposed to. And organizing my room and doing my laundry is the first step to get there lol

E.C.O. + P.A.S. = lovers

I wonder what I'll get for Valentine's Day?

This entry won't make any sense

2009-01-27T07:50:00.004-05:00

Back at school. So now I write :) Already I need an outlet. You just can't catch a break with this program. G-e-e-z-e. It's my fault this time. [It can be argued that previous occurences were my fault, but the program definitely had a hand in it - this time however, it is solely I who am to blame] The semester began Jan. 20. It makes me feel a little bit better that only a week has gone by. Aka, only a week that I've wasted my life away. I did absolutely nothing that first week. Did not go over my notes. Did not organize a folder for each class. Did not study. Nada. And during the week, I excused this by saying, "Well, I have the entire weekend, I'll be able to go over everything this weekend." So the weekend rolled around. I had a dentist appointment Saturday @ noon but it was in MA so I had to leave at 10am to get there. I stopped at home and ate lunch with my family and then went to David's Bridal with my sister to pick up her dress. We were there for 3 hours. The place was crazy packed and people who worked there were running around like chickens with their heads cut off but thankfully, there were no Bridezillas. My sister met with the seamstress after she tried it on and they figured everything out about what needed to get done [ a grand total of $400 in alterations - i don't ever want to get married if that's gonna be the case]. We left and I ate something small before I headed back to CT because I was supposed to meet Tim for dinner.

And that's when it went downhill.

I don't think that going into it is necessary. Tim and I were just meeting to discuss a book we had both been reading that I hadn't finished even when I met with him Saturday but other things were said and it came down to that he's getting really hurt not being with me and so he decided he's going to stop contacting me until he's ready to just be my friend. He said he'll always be there if I need anything but that he won't be initiating conversation.

I haven't heard from him or talked to him since. I had already begun cutting off my communication. I wasn't texting him much, I went days without saying anything. Just because I know that's what needs to be done to move on. Because I found that when I would talk to him frequently, I would start missing him a ton and it would just make sticking with my decision harder.

Then I spent Sunday half asleep because I didn't get much sleep at all.

So I was a waste of life this weekend. I got up on Monday and almost cried because this huge wave of yuckiness hit me and I felt like my life was a mess. I need to get a 3.0 this semester to stay in the program and here I am slacking off and doing not-Liz-like things. What was I thinking? What am I thinking?

I need to get back to my way of thinking before school started. Wanting to work on myself, wanting to genuinely learn during the semester by actually paying attention in class and going over the notes when I get home and studying ahead of time so I don't have to cram. I want to work on being Liz. I want to work on learning Liz and making myself a better person. But recently, I've been feeling like I need to get some things done before I become a better person. Like I need to do certain things or go through certain things.

But I think thats bullshit. Lies. The enemy of my soul is feeding me. And there I was believing them.

So what am I gonna do about it?

I haven't decided yet. And thats why I'm human. And disappointed in myself. The end.

Overstaying welcome

2008-12-29T22:19:00.003-05:00

So I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. But actually, I just got back from being away for the weekend. I went away to CT (I forgot my laptop charger so I didn't dare take the time to type an entry and risk having my laptop die on me) on "business" - to figure out the Cow Chip crap. It was nice to be in my apartment which I love, have my own space, sleep in my own bed, and go for drives at 2 am if I felt like it (I did). I get home and I'm upstairs in the guest room (because I like sitting on the futon) instead of my old room charging my laptop. My mom comes upstairs and asks me if I had left late and thats why I got home so late. a;slkdfjasl;dkfj I can't even type out the conversation we had because it is so ridiculous and she asks questions in such a round about way and they aren't even questions they're accusations and I don't even have the patience to explain it. I just remember saying, "mom, why does it matter, why are we even having this conversation?" but she kept talking saying oh but why did you leave at 4, oh i thought what you had to do today you could do in the morning, but why could she only meet with you at 1, oh and now you're not going to eat dinner because you had a late breakfast...just stupid pointless stuff. SEE, and this is why I love having my own apt and not living here. So that was one thing.

Then I text message one of my closest friends to see how her day went and her text message consisted of negativity, crankiness and "leave me alone" vibes. I then had dinner at 8pm and was watching a rerun of Gossip Girl when I decide to text message her anyway and say, "want to go do something therapeutic" and she says something about how she has allergies and she's on the couch but asks what I have in mind. So I say, "Making origami love notes at b&n. to each other" She laughs and says she'll do it. So we meet. We are talking, having fun and I'm stupid enough to mention something about Tim again. And I say again because I told her a couple of days ago that things really came to a head with Tim recently and she goes, "Ugh I'm so lost, this whole thing has always been a roller coaster anyway". I said, "yeah try being on it" and then just didn't go on because of course I know it's been a roller coaster I'm sorry it's been awful for you to keep up with, I don't need the criticism, I just needed her to be a friend and listen or atleast want to know what was going on so she wasn't so "lost". But yeah I was stupid and said something about Tim when we were at b&n and again she says something about how she doesn't even know what I want. And I'm realizing now that all of these comments are stemming from the fact that she feels like I just don't make up my mind and that she thinks I don't know what I want. Then she gets talking about something another friend of ours "did to her" and I don't think it's a big deal so I say this. Big mistake. Whatever, so that kind of killed the mood for the rest of the time we were there. B&N closes at 10 so we had to leave anyway. I shouldn't have invited her out in the first place. The text message she had sent me earlier should have been sign enough of what the night would be like out with her. She clearly wasn't in the mood, should have just left her to herself.

But in conclusion. I am once again supported in the "I'm supposed to live on my own now" mindset. Also, said friend is not the one to talk to about Tim things. On the other hand, I'm the stupid one because Jess has been asking me how I'm doing about it and has been telling me over and over again she's there for me and does want to hear the story when I'm ready to share it...yet there I am spilling little beans to said friend. I don't know why I did that.

Anywho, this weekend was the real test. In my apt, all by myself, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. and I was OK...I didn't have trouble breathing without him...didn't miss him so much I had to call him or talk to him or beg to see him...didn't run back to him. I felt empowered actually. I read books about faith and have been journaling about the whole tim thing and have come to understand it more. I've been planning things for my future, thinking about things I want for myself, things I want to do. I want to go to church regularly. I think I found one I really like... I want to be intentional about my faith. learning God and letting him learn me... I want to be healthy, work out, eat right. I want to be a stronger better person.

I do miss him though. I do. very much.

Hands no longer tied

2008-12-26T01:29:00.006-05:00

I was supposed to figure something out as soon as I started break. Well, I figured it out. I'm glad I didn't make a decision right away. I'm glad I waited. I'm glad I allowed myself to take a look at everything and not focus on a specific instance or situation. It's been a long time coming and it is just time for it to end. I'm doing it in the hopes that something better does exist. That something could feel better after 3 years. That someone could fit me better. Not that it still couldn't be him... Who he is right now and who I am right now just isn't working. And i'm thinking blunt and honest - that what we have just isn't good. And I remember how hard this was for me when I tried doing this a year ago, how scared I was of hurting him and how scared I was of the pain of being without him... but I know what I'm missing is who we were when we were good. And that going back would not be going back to that. It's just not working. And thats a fact. And it's not that I'm a quitter ...it became hard to be with him and I don't think it should be that hard. Whatever, I really don't want to get into justifying my decision, it's not what I want to do. I know in my gut this is the right thing to do and all I'm focusing on right now is that I have to stick to it. As horrible as it is, I've gone over reasons for breaking up with him way too many times and for too many years...it's not new to me, doesn't feel new, and i guess i'm used to the pain...or I just know what feelings/emotions to expect. Again, as horrible as that sounds... I haven't cried once today. I've stayed pretty busy with my family. Stayed busy making plans for myself...for my life. Things I want to do.

Hopefully I'll be better at being single than I was before I dated him.

It seems I need closure...about PA School

2008-12-19T16:03:00.004-05:00

[editor's note: So originally, this was supposed to be an update on how my break is going...but then it got ugly towards the end. I had originally titled this "Vacationing in Massachusetts" then saw that it was something else...]

It's snowing outside. It's supposed to be a pretty bad storm lasting until tomorrow. So I'm stuck in the house. Parents would never allow me to leave when the roads are the way they are. I guess I wouldn't want to. I guess it's the fact that I'm not allowed is what I have the issue with. However, I'm happy with having an excuse for not being able to go out. Since I got here, on Tuesday, every one's been asking me to hang out. And everyone who knows me, knows that on my break I like to just lay around and have me time. A lot of me time. At least when I first get here, geez. Then when I'm bored with that, I'm ready to go out as many times as people would like me to.

But now I finally get to do most of the things I wanted to do on break. I have a post it note on my desktop with a list of things I wanted to do once the semester was over. I have 3 post its actually, all with lists of things. Such as Christmas movies I want to watch, Theatre movies I want to go see, music I want to download, and books I want to read.

End of Death Semester:
1. MALL/Stores
2. Check out neighborhood Christmas lights
3. dust+clean furniture
5. READ :)
6. Greys Anatomy
7. House
8. Catch up on DVR
9. Morning Star

Yes, I'm a dork. I've completed some things on the list, that's why the numbering is off. But anyways, some things I cannot do because I'm not in my super cool apt. I can't dust+clean furniture, can't catch up on DVR...and that's about it. But anyways, I get to read (I've been reading like 3 books at the same time all semester and am antsy to finally finish at least one geez), journal, watch Grey's and House :)) I luvs it.

I've been pretty good at reading and answering emails first thing in the day so I can just get it out of the way. Even though the semester is over, they still have us doing crap over break. You see, our PA program is obsessed with community service. It prides itself in that it requires its students to complete 40 hours of community service by the time they graduate. I have about 20 hours down and while I am all for serving the community, I am so angry with our program because I believe they're doing it for the wrong reasons. Our program director thinks she's super woman and is now the President of the AAPA (American Association of Physician Assistants) and she purposefully puts a ton on her place because she feels she is more efficient this way and feels better about herself. That's all great and fine until the programs and people you are responsible to start suffering because you're NOT super woman and can't do it all. She is married and has two kids. She travels pretty much every other weekend if not every weekend, and doesn't go home until midnight or one o'clock sometimes and when she does go home she's still reading and sending out emails until 3am! Her fellow colleagues at the program have complained about how they're picking up her slack and the students she has in her sections never get their work back on time and so do not receive as much feedback as the other professors give their students. I happened to be in her class this semester and I never got any of my work back in time. I would do my write ups before I got the previous one done so if I did something wrong on the first one, I had no idea, I just wrote the next one the same way AND GOT POINTS TAKEN OFF FOR A MISTAKE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF I HAD GOTTEN THE FIRST WRITE UP BACK IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes, I'm a little bitter. Just a tad. Anyways, all this to say, she expects us to live our lives the same way. We're in class 12 hours a day, AND have to study for at least 2 exams a week. We already don't have enough time to study for those exams because we're in class all day. And now she wants us to do community service DURING the week, and on all of Saturday. Then we have this Cow Chip fair thing on April 4th that we were supposed to start setting up for during the 2 weeks of finals. [!!!!!] Well screw her, I am the head of the forms committee and I didn't do anything but study during finals week. And believe me, there were other stupid busy work stuff we had to do during all the business of exams. It just doesn't stop. And it's supposed to be one of the best programs in the country but it comes off as unorganized and selfish on their part only worrying about their own schedules because they all still practice a few times a week [they're all PA's]. So we were supposed to start 3 weeks ago, and continue working on it during break and so I've been doing that. Emailing my committee, emailing with the president of the class and treasurer because we need checks blah blah And it's annoying and it's messy and I just want NO RESPONSIBILITIES. What's also funny is that I didn't even volunteer for this position! They picked me to volunteer. Isn't that funny?? They volunteered FOR me. Bastards. See, that's not community service. That's a "we have a number of events we've signed up for every year because we need to meet the quota to be known as a community minded PA program and you have to volunteer for them or we'll look like a-holes". Aside from this Cow Chip Crap er crap, I've enjoyed being a part of what I've done. I've read to little kids at waiting rooms, I've drawn blood/translated during KEEPS (I don't even know what that stands for but it's with the National Kidney Foundation, they're screenings/fairs for kidney disease) which are 8 hour gigs, I've handed out clothes and food in the commons of New Haven and at a men's shelter, I've done more NKF stuff at the NBC Health fair in Hartford, I made a PowerPoint and gave a presentation at a nursing home health fair on fall prevention, and I've even volunteered to set up and be on a panel for one of the interviewing dates for the incoming class (which we didn't get community service hours for because it is program related!).

*sigh*

That felt good. That might have been boring so I forgive you if you skipped over it. I would have too.

So aside from being frustrated with all of the class time and exam scheduling, we have outside stuff like that to worry about. OH, and they're always asking for money! For charity events, and for other committees our class apparently has to be a part of (I'm not sure, I checked out once I heard the words "you owe..". I love giving money. I honest to God do. Even when I have none. But I am so pissed at them...I mean, I would have been fine with giving money now, but if they would have just TOLD US at the beginning instead of springing all of this on us out of nowhere. I DIDN'T FACTOR THIS INTO MY LOAN MONEY, I'm sorry! Geez, I'm already broke as it is, where in the world am I going to get money to give to this charity event I'm not even invited to - oh yeah because I have class and am a poor graduate student! So they know not to invite us, why are you asking us for money?!

Sorry, didn't expect to go off again. I think that's it though. Yes.

*sigh* Maybe I should just end it here, sheesh, guess I really needed to get that out.

Freeeeeedom

2008-12-11T13:48:00.002-05:00

So things changed around midnight when I still had 3 lectures to go through and read through all 5 of them again before the exam. I realized it was too much information and it was all blending together. Taking the exam today - I was yawning I was so tired. The room looked too bright and my eyes hurt I was so tired. As I passed the exam in I felt like I had failed it. Like legit failed it. Like another 66 failed it. That was the bad news. The good news: I got a 77 instead!

The other good news: I'M DONE WITH THE SEMESTER OF DEATH!!! I have dreamed of this moment, of being done with the notoriously hardest semester of PA School. And here I am :)))

What I did on thursday when I got home was watch 3 episodes of What Not To Wear (I had like 8 of them on DVR), then went out to a Kareoki party one of the local bars set up for the PA and PT students. It was pretty lame, everyone was wasted when my roommate, a couple of other friends, and I got there. It was good to not have to worry about what I had to do the next day though! I got up on Friday and watched 3 episodes of Jon+Kate plus 8 with my roommate Alicia. And at 6 we had a packing party for our trip to the Dominican Republic.

In conclusion: I LOVE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO!!!!

Headed for an ASP meeting

2008-12-10T13:57:00.003-05:00

Pharm exam: 66

I don't want to talk about it...I'm not ready to...I don't want to. What is there to say really?

I have one more exam left, I know it'll go better, and thats pretty much it.

...I feel like I can't get over it...unfortunately, feeling bad about it didn't last for 2.5 minutes...it feels like a shadow following me around. It makes me feel bad about myself. Like a bad student. Like I don't deserve to go on vacation. Like I shouldn't be a PA. Upside: everyone else didn't so so hot either. Maybe they'll curve it?

ASP here I come... Academic Standing P(don't know what the P stands for)

[ASP is the board you have to have a meeting with to discuss the classes you were "deficient" in, why, what you've done to learn the information since, and what you've changed about what you did wrong. I cried when I went in October for last semester...I said, "I'm never doing that ever again", and here I am, definitely on my way to another meeting. Some asshole made me feel awful saying things like, "Well it doesn't matter if you felt you knew the information and that the test score didn't show it, you are still deficient, you still got an 82 and not an 83, you are deficient." Excellent, can't wait.]

I'm going to get an A on tomorrow's exam. Hopefully that'll make me feel like I deserve a vacation, even if just a little bit.

There's just no way

2008-12-10T04:12:00.000-05:00

So, after 6 hours of studying and still being on Lecture 1, and after reading drug after drug (i'm on the 2nd lecture and i've gone over a little over 100 drugs) with all different regimens and noticing that everything was just starting to blend in - I've come to the conclusion that there is just no way that I can get all of this information into my brain and be able to retrieve it tomorrow for the exam. There is just no way. It is physically impossible. We have to be realistic at times like this. It's not like THERE IS A WAY and I'm giving up, No, it's a this professor is crazy and even if I had a week to study for this exam I would still be praying for an 83 because the material is that ridiculous. So let it be known. I did not give up. I am being realistic. After I go over the material once, I am going to bed. Better be rested (or get sleep at all) than get no sleep and make even poorer decisions on the exam because I'm sleep deprived.

Also, I've decided I won't stay to correct it. I'm going to hand it in, and go home. And I won't feel guilty, and I will feel defeated for 2.4 minutes but then I'm going to brush it off and look ahead to the LAST exam of the semester. And study hard for it.

And kick ass.

It's 1am, I'm thinking 3am will be my bedtime.

[edit: My roommate has studied in the living room with me all weekend/week and she's sitting over by the dining room and she's falling asleep and she keeps saying "this is fucking crazy" but, she's also saying she's not going to bed. or showering. she is going to stay up all night. she's going to get "one hour of sleep and pick up again". she's putting in the time, effort...whatever you want to call it - even though I'm positive it won't make a difference. We're both tired. everything is blending in. at this point nothing is sticking. - or will it make a difference? Is she a better student than I am? Does she deserve this more than I do? What am I doing? Am I really being realistic or taking the easy way out? Ugh, back to studying.]

PA student time zone

2008-12-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

Micro exam: 87

:))))

As soon as I left, I rented a movie, had lunch and watched a movie in bed - napped for an hour in a half and then started studying for tomorrow's exam - Pharmacology. It's an online course. A different instructor did the lectures for this next exam so I have no idea what her tests are like...her notes are a bitch though [pardon my french]. This lady is insane. Sooo, I'm a little worried. Looks like I won't be getting much sleep tonight. I did well last night and the night before that...but I think this is where it ends. I no longer function on the 24 hour day set by the rising and setting of the sun. I sleep when I can, stay up for 12-15 hours studying and take the exam then sleep, then stay up for 12-15 hours to study for the last exam on thursday. I think I can do this.

Last week of the fall semester

2008-12-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

Neuro Exam: 84 :)

"You'll be praying for an 83.."
- a 2nd year, referrring to the fall semester when talking to the 1st years.

I get it now..

On the schedule:
Tuesday: Micro exam
Wednesday: Pharm exam
Thursday: Heme/Onc exam
10am on thursday - Christmas vacation :)

Week 1 completed

2008-12-06T14:30:00.000-05:00

GU Exam update: 88 instead of an 86! :)

Phyz Diz exam: 89!!! Boo ya! :)

So Week 1 of finals was a success. All above an 83 :)

Now for the final week. 4 exams. In a row. I haven't studied much yet, but the weekend is young...am I setting myself up for failure? lol maybe

So i'll stop writing and go study :P

The sun is peering through the clouds

2008-12-03T22:29:00.000-05:00

GU Exam: 86

:)

I'm currently now studying for the exam I have tomorrow and preparing for the presentation I also have tomorrow [on medical ethics of an 80 yo woman trying to commit suicide]

Ciao ciao

p.s. I hope I do that well on my exam tomorrow...please please pleeeeaaasseee

[editor's note: I forgot to mention what I got on my Physical Exam: 91!!! :)]

Familial relationships are healing

2008-12-01T18:33:00.000-05:00

This is my sister, Damaris (Dee), and her fiance, Jose. They are getting married next August! My little sister! Getting married next year! [before me! haha] No but I am very happy for them. When she called me right after she had gotten engaged, I did kind of freak out. But they've been dating for so long, I'm glad they'll finally be together and be able to be together the way people who love each other should! Anyways, yes, my monergism conversation was with them and they've both been very nice...they appear to be genuine in the way to speak to me about their church and when they asked me to go with them about 2 weeks ago, it was a pleasant experience. And what meant the most was when Dee asked me where Tim was spending thanksgiving and after I told her she said, "Hopefully next year he'll be able to spend it with us.." And she meant it genuinely, in a way that said, "I don't agree with how parents keep him out of our lives"... So yeah. Maybe it's even their genuinity and their lack of judgement that has made the monergism talk stay with me.. who knows. Anyways, so yeah, class is over now and off to finish off my Monday. [I'm actually meeting Tim for dinner then study time...]

It's begun

2008-12-01T17:37:00.000-05:00

Micro lab exam: 83

I met with my advisor before I left for thanksgiving break, and she told me I would be fine. She believes I'll do fine and that I have to believe it. She said I didn't have to kill myself aiming for 100's or 90's on these next exams coming up. "All you have to get is an 83, and your grades should be fine" So, looks like i'm well on my way, huh? :)

My hands are tied

2008-12-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

The not being OK kind of makes me itch. I itch to go and fix it/make it better. I can't right now though. I do not have the time to come to a decision nor am I stable enough to be able to live with the decision seeing as I have to be super stable to finish off the semester. Trying to study when you can't concentrate isn't very fun at all. So for now, I let him be. I won't ask very many questions...knowing I can't do much about it right now. But once the semester ends, we'll work through it, and do what we have to do. But for not, Liz, let him be.

So this micro lab test i'm studying for...hm I'm feeling like I'm gonna need more than the 5 hours I gave myself to study for it. I also have to mail Jess her birthday package and deposit a check so that my account isn't overdrawn.. and i need to shower. I just like feeling/looking clean on a test day, it makes me feel better - and who's to say feeling good won't get me another 2-4 points on an exam? ;)

Exam is at 1500 (3pm).

He's not going anywhere. Tim or God.

2008-11-30T19:45:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm in between seasons right now. Though technically I'm still in the "semester from hell" season [it's not over until Dec. 12], but my brain and heart are telling me otherwise. It's been raining all day and I've been alone for 2 days so maybe that has something to do with it too but I've been feeling sad. And having growing pains. I went home for Thanksgiving dinner and had a pretty intense conversation about theology (specifically, Monergism) with my sister and her fiance, Jose. And I have not been the same since. I've obviously had conversations about theology before. And for the past year or so, I've been able to dodge them or leave unaffected, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head now. Jose suggested http://www.monergism.com I've been there twice so far and have been so overwhelmed each time, I've decided never to go back there again until this semester is over for good because I need time to process everything.

About 3 weeks ago, things got weird again with Tim and I. Everyone should just accept it as FACT, that women have this intuitive sense when it comes to relationships, and that they just know when relationships are about to change or when something is off/wrong. So that being said, I can continue. He was being distant and chose not to spend a day with me for fear of getting into an argument -> this EQUALS tim having doubts and needing space. I told him that this is what he was doing and needed, just how he did around the same time last year. He denied it blah blah, and then in the end, I was right. So boo ya. Now that we are all believers in a woman's intuition, I can continue on with my story. So things got weird with Tim and I and my feeling is that we're not OK. We aren't broken up, but we are not OK. This happens in a relationship, this is normal... I just don't like that he tries to put on this front for me like everything is OK [when it's clearly not] and I wish he would just be honest with me instead of always trying to "calm me down" by acting like everything is fine. Let me tell you something, I freak out because I sense dishonesty - just not the whole truth. The not knowing is what I don't like. Why won't he just get that? I know things aren't OK...he's dealing with independence, his future, fulfillment..self-actualization. Friendships. And then me. Who's so busy we can never really spend legit time together. Who's stressed all the time and becomes super-sensitive. I know it wears on him... And i know it does because he's been super bf since the moment I started the program back in May. And I never gave him a break or cut him some slack. But it was seeing him under these conditions that I saw what a strong and responsible man he had turned into from the insecure 15 year old I met my first day of high school. It was this year that I saw him as the husband I'd like to be with for the rest of my life...

And he's closed off right now. Not completely but he's there. He's dealing with a lot. And I hate, repeat hate, one thing that all men do: they don't share. They don't share details about their day, they don't share complete thoughts...and especially when they're not OK, they don't share very much at all. Suffering from a lack of healing from last year, I'm insecure about our relationship. But just recently [as in 2 days ago], it all of a sudden clicked. He's not going anywhere but he's still young, and has a lot of figuring out to do for himself and about his life and about his future - and just about growing into himself. And sometimes it has nothing to do with me. Other times, it does... how much I empower him as a man in the relationship, how much I listen to him [or don't, as in most cases...], and also how secure I myself come off in the relationship... the moment he seems like he's having doubts about us - I freak. Yet, I do it all the time. I've been doing it. Geez from day 1. of our friendship! Don't even get me started about when we started dating. But he's not going anywhere. And I wish I could be strong enough to be the woman he wants me to be...

So us not being OK has brought up some things I've never really healed from or dealt with. And talking with Jose and Dee brought up the whole faith thing...but also, Dee mentioned this book she was reading to prepare hersel to be a good wife to Jose when they get married. And I immediately thought of all the ways I've changed that Tim didn't know he was in store for when we first started dating. He fell in love with the conservative Liz...and had been in love with her for quite some time...then when we started dating a lot of things happened in my life that changed me and then changed who I was in the relationship. So I realize I'm not the best picture of what a gf [or a wife] should be. And I'm thinking, if I was, we wouldn't have more than half the problems Tim and I have. And then my dad sent me an email earlier this week about how "even though he doesn't let on, he's been really sad for the past few years as to how i've changed" because I'm not active in church, etc. And my mom mentioned (twice) how I should go to church because God will help me with school.

Now, I didn't decide to work on my faith again because "God will help me with school". [i know God won't - HA] But whether I want to figure out what I believe or not, faith has been an integral part of my existance. I've known about faith for as long as I can remember. It was like wake up, hi God, brush your teeth, watch disney movies [i want a love story like that God] and play house with my sister [thank you for letting me win that game against her God], brush your teeth, good night God. He was like part of my family, there weren't 6 of us, there were 7. The way I knew him [or her] was wrong. And thats why my faith fell apart. I don't know who I'd be without faith...well, me right now, which is pretty ugly...I'm a mess :( I had established that my purpose was to learn God [or supreme being, whatever you want to call him/her] ... and i've gone from thinking God doesn't exist to considering maybe there's a little God for everything... so I really had no idea where to start. But, I've started with reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. A chapter a day. I love it so far, I feel like he's writing a biography about me. The chapter I read today ended with him saying to God, "You don't exist". So you see, it's pretty fitting.

So all of this Tim and I not being OK thing has lead me to these goals:
1. Faith
2. Deal with and heal from my broken relationship with my family
3. The awful year tim and I had last year
4. The fact that we're having issues right now [even though i'm telling myself it's a good thing, I still suffer from the "happily ever after" lie disney fed me and aren't ok with it all the time :(]
5. Growing into my skin now that I'm independent from my parents and not under their roof

So, this has been a positive thing. A nice little shake from complacency. Which relationships should be -well I think so.

And thats what my week long thanksgiving break has left me with. And it ends at midnight tonight. Good news is, I don't have my exam tomorrow until 3pm. Besides that, refer to the schedule I provided in my first entry and you'll see what these next two weeks will look like for me. tata

*besos*

GI Exam

2008-11-19T14:42:00.000-05:00

Bad news: 74.

Good news: i'm on thanksgiving break even though i still have class until friday.

:) and :(

i feel both.

Tired and alone...

2008-11-18T22:22:00.001-05:00

I'm tired and I can't concentrate and I can't think straight and I have an exam tomorrow and I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and it looks like the same thing's gonna happen tonight and I'm so tired and I have no motivation and I don't know what to do and I don't know how to do it and i have no confidence in my methods and i'm started to lose confidence in my abilities and i'm lonely and i'm alone and feel alone and i'm so tired my eyes just get watery but i can't cry, the tears won't come, they won't flow and i think my body knows that it's not time yet and it won't let me because right now i love me more than i feel anybody else does and so it's being my best friend and holding me up.

i knew this is what it would be like and i was dreading it and i walked in here like a person being led to a big tub of boiling oil which they're supposed to get into. i knew it would be this bad but i hoped it wouldn't be but i knew it would and i was freaking out. and here i am, at the worst it's ever going to get (so i hear) and I knew it would be this way yet it's nothing like I imagined because you can't imagine this you see, if you've never experienced anything like it before. i've experienced the emotions just not in the same intensity or in the same combinations and it's all new yet not surprising. i'm just so tired.

I used to be a straight A student

2008-11-18T15:08:00.000-05:00

76 on that Micro exam I had today. Now on to study for the GI exam I have tomorrow.

I'm in class right now and the professor started out with reading from the book, "The Little Engine That Could". And i don't remember much of what she said, as my memory brain cells are engorged with information and cannot take in anymore, but she did say this, "an F has never gotten anyone kicked out of the program". And thats all I needed to hear.

It's awful but I don't care that I got a 76. And I don't care that I got a 68 [editor's note: I found out later I got a 70 not a 68] on the cardiology exam last friday. Or that I got a 74 on the endocrine exam last thursday.

or maybe i'm so tired and exhausted and burnt out that I can't care because if I did, I would have a mental break down. So i'm just going. and going. hoping to make it until wednesday. and then hoping to make it until december 12th. i'm strong, and i'm a survivor - I believe it. And despite the 76 and the 68 and the 74, I'm proud of myself. I think I'll make a great PA. I just wish my grades showed it. Theres nothing I can do about it now. Hopefully my good grades from earlier in the semester can bring me over that 83 average i'm supposed to go for.

"an 83 gets you a degree"

So on to studying for GI.

The Disney Channel and Shiraz won't help me pass

2008-11-17T19:19:00.000-05:00

This is my first time inside QU's law library. Because I need a change of scenery. Because I won't study in my apartment right now even if you paid me. I've studied there too much lately. And I'll probably just end up watching the Disney Channel eating pistachios and drinking the Shiraz I have on my nightstand in one of the new wine glasses I bought this past weekend... and I can't get less than an 83 on any exams. So no disney channel, and no shiraz I say! So here's the schedule:

Micro Exam - 8am tomorrow
Class until 4:30pm
Micro presentation - 10am on Wednesday
GI Exam - 1:30pm on Wednesday
Class until 9pm - [Drink Shiraz and watch the Disney Channel]
Thursday - class until 4pm - Tim's Birthday on Thursday!! :)
Hx and PE write up due for my preclinical on Friday 8am
Class until 3pm

Thanksgiving break (a week long) = study for the next 2 weeks of death, eat turkey, study for the next 2 weeks of death

December 1 - Micro lab Final
December 3 - GU exam
December 4 - Physical Diagnosis Exam and Geriatrics Presentation
Weekend of death.
December 8 - Pharm exam
December 9 - Micro exam
December 10 - Neuro exam
December 11 - Heme/Oncology Exam
December 12 - last preclinical of the year

CHRISTMAS VACATION FOR 5 WEEKS !!

Alright. Lets begin.

[editor's note: Encouraging text messages and comments on facebook/myspace/blog would be much appreciated, thank you :)]